....ideas.


There's nothing that I love more than suggestions disguised as questions. Sometimes, they're just you're garden variety everyday questions:

"Don't you think you should exercise more?"

"Do you think you might want to use your credit card a little bit less?"

"Might it have been a good idea to ask her age first?"

You know. The usuals. But last night, a bit of the territory we covered in last week's column reared it's offensive head. I was talking with a friend at the bar and they asked me if I had a girlfriend. We'll go from there...

Me: No, I'm single. I recently broke up with my ex-fiancee.

Friend: Why did you guys break up?

Me: Oh, lots of things. It just didn't work out.

Friend: Like what? You can't just say it didn't work out.

Me: Well, she and I just didn't feel the way people who are engaged are supposed to feel. Just lots of problems.

Friend: Name one.

Me: (God, this person is fucking nosy. Fuck it.) Well, I found out a few months before we broke up that she's sexually dysfunctional. She told me that she had almost never enjoyed sex in her life.

Friend: Shit! Even with you?

Me: (You get a cookie!) Yes, even with me.

Friend: Shit, how can someone not enjoy sex? I couldn't live without sex.

Me: Guess I couldn't either.

Friend: Do you think she just needed to get it real hard in the ass?

Me: (Beer nearly coming through my nose) Excuse me?

Friend: Yeah, she sounds like she just needs some up the ass real hard. Maybe with like two guys at once or something. Double penetration points or some shit. I don't know, but maybe that would help her.

Me: (Uuuuhhhh?)


Now I know what you're thinking. Actually, I don't really know what you're thinking. I have some pretty deviant readers. But I'm thinking I know what MOST of you are thinking. Talk about some typical guy shit to say. This just further goes to show you how little understanding men really have about the complex sexual dynamic as it relates to the female gender, blah, blah, blah (a la Jason Lee in "Chasing Amy"). And I would typically agree with you. But the jokes on all of you. I wouldn't be telling you this story and recounting this sort of sexually potent conversation if all the normal stereotypes you can conjure were in play. I tell you this story because the "suggestion" that came from my "friend" is important, not because of the message, but because of the messenger. Kids, tonight the role of "Friend" in the preceding dialogue was played by a 19 year old college girl. Is it possible to be outraged, disgusted, offended and turned on by a person all at once? I was left thinking that she had given quite an interesting new meaning to the phrase "Wisdom comes from the mouths of babes." Have fun dissecting that.

So in the spirit of girls with a healthy sexualvigoragressiveness, I present this week's Wednesday's Child, Elisha Cuthbert. Now don't let the old lady name fool you. Elisha is a pretty young thing of the highest Canadiansexual order. She is best known for her roles in the "can this much shit actually happen in a day?" Fox series, 24 and the forgettable but ever-so-slightly entertaining comedy The Girl Next Door. She co-starred in that movie with a poor man's Leonardo DiCaprio named Emile Hirsch. Sidenote: The two stars of this movie, Elisha and Emile played the characters of Danielle and Matt, respectively. Isn't there something unstable about your fictional characters having less interesting names than your actual names? For some of you former Nickelodeon watchers, you may also remember her for her role in the low-budget but somewhat endearing series Are You Afraid of the Dark?

To be honest, Elisha is the type of girl I dream can come to fulfill all of my most devious--but mind you, sexually healthy--fantasies. As my friend made me realize in her own uncomfortably erotic way, my priority in life right now should be adequate and satisfactory sexual health. Or getting laid or promiscuity or some shit. But you see, this week's Wednesday's Child is about finding a new partner on the road to my heart and mind's recovery. It's certainly not about anything shallow. Elisha is merely my angel of mercy during my long, hard road to wellness. I have a feeling, just by looking at her, that this is the type of magical mystical journey she's so ready for so very hard good. And if she's not? Well, maybe I should just share a good friend's wisdom with her and see if that helps...

MMPR

I hope that all of you had an excellent 4th of July weekend filled with food, family, friendship, wonder, sin, alcohol, and all-around good times that you so surely deserve.

I, myself, enjoyed a truly wonderful weekend with an old friend who is anything but old and who might end up being more than a friend someday. She is a loyal reader as well as a lovely and gorgeously sexual young law student who took time out of her busy schedule to entertain me in Dallas this past weekend. I honestly couldn't have asked for more (well I suppose you can always ask for more, but I didn't). We ate great food, drank wine, had great conversation, and might have stumbled into some sort of marital contingency agreement. It was also a weekend where I had the opportunity to renew my love for art. And I'm not even referring to high-brow porn. We went to two museums in Fort Worth and in one day, I had the good fortune to observe an original Matisse, Monet, Picasso, and Rembrandt! Hell, I even observed a Jackson Pollack original. But the extra "P" didn't work with my ingenius "MMPR" bit. Come to think of it, I might need to knock either Monet or Matisse out of there, too. But I digress. The weekend was absolute greatness. We had moments. We had non-moments. We had our time and I am grateful eternally.

Current Count of Girls I Inexplicably Care About But Who are Mad at Me For Reasons They Refuse to Disclose and I'm Unaware of and Aren't Talking to Me Because They Are Acting Like Twelve-Year-Olds

CCOGIICABWAMAMFRTRTDAIUOAATTMBTAALTYO: 2

And I found out that one of them is still reading.

Miss G., I look forward to your return to my life any day now... And I really hope that you'll post some comment that includes some combination of the words "don't", "hold", and "breath". Your resistance to my humorous and witty (and might I add, humble) charm only makes me more endeared to you.

Can White Guys Give a "Shout-Out"?

Probably not, so I'm gonna use that half-Hispanic race card to my advantage. I just wanted to wish my brother all the best luck as he has moved on to greener pastures in Ohio for graduate school. If anyone could make Ohio cooler, it is the one guy I know who is cooler than me. And if Vince Vaughn isn't available, I guess my brother will do.

Song of the Day: "All the Trees of the Field Will Clap Their Hands"

Artist: Sufjan Stevens

Album: Seven Swans

Lyric of Possible Relevance:

"And I am throwing all my thoughts away.
And I'm destroying every bet I've made.
And I am joining all my thoughts to you.
And I'm preparing every part for you."