The Glorious Return of Wednesday's Child, Vacation Talk, and My New God-like Status

This is long overdue on so many levels.


"This is gonna be a long one", I said.
"That's good to hear," she replied. "Because size certainly matters."

...writing with an incomplete sentence because one of my favorite authors, Bret Easton Ellis did it in "The Rules of Attraction" to start and end his masterpiece. It is ironic that a book I'd label a "keeper" has become a casualty of the latest girl pissed off at me. JG, can I please have it back? I bought you fucking sushi and beer. And of course you took my heart with you that night.

Well not really, but doesn't that sound a lot better, a lot more poetically succinct? As has been chronicled so vicious hard in this column, relationships are so often destroyed by the way they get mired in the realization of an extinguished light at the end of that love tunnel, sex tunnel, girl tunnel. Alright, I'll stop with such disgustingly genius metaphor use. But luckily for me, I am related to the undisputed heavyweight champion of relationship failure. My dad. Now this is not to say he's a bad guy. He just sucks at relationships. Hell, how many of you reading this would be labeled a prickbitch or dickwhore (my new words) if you were judged by such a standard? I suck at relationships, but somehow I still come out like a big sweetie. I am selfless and modest enough to be acutely in tune to the greatness others perceive in me. And I'm Latin, so I'm half expected to plow through at least three marriages, right? But my dad generally has the best advice/observations for me. And this is probably because he is so very familiar with failure. But hey, he always delivers. He's either tremendously insightful or comically misguided.

Dad: I guess you heard about your sister.

Me: Yeah, I'm glad she's not getting married to that guy. I had a bad feeling about that whole thing.

Dad: I knew she wouldn't marry him. I have a special sense of whether or not a relationship will succeed or fail. I saw this coming.

He also told me that my ex and I were destined for greatness in marriage, according to a conversation he had with God. Ah well, one out of two ain't bad. My father is on his fifth marriage. Oh yes, he has the gift. I guess this means he knew, but just said to himself, "Fuck it." I suppose I truly am his son.

Over the break, I became a true agent of God (which I will discuss further later on) and now no longer need my father to be my relationship intermediary with the Big Papa in the Sky. I can talk to Him myself. What's that God? You know who my one and only superduper special soft sweet pretty good great thing is? (whispers, whispers, whispers...)

That sounds great God, but don't you think I'm a better authority on the right girl for me?....Oh, of course you're gonna throw HER in my face. But if you just make my superduper special soft sweet pretty good great thing THIS girl, I'll be steel hard good the rest of my life. What if I give up smoking, seedy underage girls, and all other vices I can deny at a later date?....Excellent!

Well everyone, I must then present you with my gift from God, this week's Wednesday's Child, the angelic and certainly sexually active in the community, Claire Danes. I have loved this woman for so extremely uncomfortably and restraining order-worthy long, that it is a miracle of an actual cast member of "Laguna Beach" being able to name the U.S. capital correctly proportions. Claire stole my heart and my pants on so many occasions, that it is impossible to completely document here. You all know her and her work which is certainly highlighted by My So-Called Life and the Baz Luhrmann version of William Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet. In fact, one of my top ten, desert island all-time favorite albums of all time, "Something to Remember Me By" by Ben Lee is an album-length ode to his then girlfriend, Ms. Danes. This is an album that further proves that loving, heartfelt words or epic devotion isn't enough to keep a girl if you're not good-looking or rich enough. Though I like to think that their relationship ended due to the letter-writing campaign I had started years earlier. Haha. Cease and desist, my ass.

The indiesexual Claire Danes is everything I want in a woman or a victim. I mean, woman. She is both talented and blessed with a graceful and classic beauty that sets me on fire in places that even I am afraid to discover even though the doctor said it was totally healed. In all seriousness, even I can have a true moment of Grace Kelley-like awe for a contemporary woman, can't I? There's something inside me that tells me I have a heart worth putting out there. A friend of mine recently reminded me that love's labour isn't a lost endeavour. As I drove her back from a night on the town after she'd had a "few", she inspired me with words in regards to her one true love, her fiance:

"Hey Rob, don't you just want to fuck him everytime you see him?"

After I said "Absolutely!", I couldn't help but smile gleefully. She had captured love so genius strong. Love isn't about patience or kindness or never having to say you're sorry. It always comes back to a drunken desire to have your friends fuck whoever the object of your affection is. Is there a greater proclamation of love than that? That's how I feel about Claire. Thank you God for leading me down the path to your divine plan.

Vacation Talk

All you really need to know about my vacation is that I didn't write, I didn't work, I didn't care. Indifference is truly the greatest of all sins. Each day, I got up at a decent time, made breakfast, caught up on some important Nintendo projects, watched TV, worked out, went to the pool, read books, showered, slept some more, went to the bar, came home, sometimes with a girl. Best vacation ever. My batteries now allow me to throw that football over that mountain.

I watched some excellent movies over my break. Here's a list I so thoughtfully prepared for your viewing pleasure:

Wedding Crashers (twice)
Must Love Dogs (Not excellent or even mediocre. This is what we call a favor for Mom who gave birth to you and who won't let you fucking forget it.)
Girls Home Alone 18
World Class Ass
New Girls in Town
New Girls in Town 2
Teen Sensations 6
A Cum Sucking Whore Named Aurora Snow (a brave art film about a girl who isn't afraid to be who she wants to be)
Seymour Butts' A Christmas Orgy
Wayne's World
Finding Nemo (My sensibilities were a bit offended by some obvious innuendo in this so called "family film", but overall it was okay. I guess. I suppose that's the conservative family man in me.)

My New God-Like Status

Now I know what so many of you are thinking: "Rob, you already have this status with us!"

And don't think I don't appreciate that. I didn't think improvement was possible either, but humility teaches us that there is always room for betterment.

Two of my very best friends have asked me to be the confusingly titled "officiant" at their wedding. For those of you not following, they have asked me to marry them! Wait, that doesn't sound right, either. I mean, I know they're from Mormon families and all, but that's really not what they meant. I hope.

Actually, I've been asked to preside over their wedding for which I am totally honored. Yes, that's it! I was told I have a way with words. My God. And they're still letting me do it! In order to make this holy and all, I had to prepare myself as painstakingly and thoughtfully as possible for the sacrament that will occur in a few weeks. So after I filled in two lines on the Universal Life Church's website and clicked a button that said "Ordain Me!", I was good to go! I have also been informed that when I file my paperwork with the state that I will be allowed to pick my own title. Could it be anything other than Reverend Rob? I know it sounds televangelist/child molester/bad clown name to most of you. But to me, it is a title I will hold in grand regard. New business cards, new outlook, new life! And now it is time for me to take my discipleship to the bar so that I may attempt to bless some girls who need to be purged of their sins real hard.


Are These Gay Feelings? Probably.



Those of you that know me know that my favorite sport is the great game of hockey. My favorite player from my favorite team who has brought me so much happiness over the years, one Mike Modano, has signed a final five year contract with the Dallas Stars which will allow him to retire at the only organization he's ever known. If all of you knew how much joy this brought me, you'd be extremely uncomfortable. I love you so, # 1 man-crush Mike.






Album of the Week: "Something to Remember Me By"

Artist: Ben Lee

Song Highlights: "How to Survive a Broken Heart", "Daisy", "Grammercy Park Hotel"







Song of the Day: "This Dream Is Over"

Artist: Mando Diao

Album: "Hurricane Bar"

Lyric of Possible Relevance:

"And this night is ours whether you want it or you don't
Well I picked you flowers and wrote you a poem
About a guy who owned the world, but no women
Maybe you'll see, maybe someday that I might end you."