Being in New York Has Sucked Out My Attention Span So Very So

Vince isn't the only swinger I know anymore...


My brother is a graduate student. More specifically, he's a trombonist. Or a tromboner. I think I'll go with tromboner for obvious reasons. So the other day he called and recounted a story of how he played in some brass quintet at a school for some kids. He told me about how after his group was done playing, one of the teachers brought her five students up to him and asked if he would play a few notes. But these were no ordinary students. These students were deaf. The teacher wanted my brother to play so that they could touch his instrument (my brother swears this was legal) and feel the vibration of the sound, since they obviously couldn't hear anything. My brother played and told me he was in awe of the students' awe during this exchange. He told me that these children were completely beautiful and that the gift he felt he gave them had made his entire year. And all I could think to myself was, "Would I ever spend time around people who couldn't hear me talk?"

So I know this guy who recently gave a toast at a wedding and spoke about the beauty and sanctity of marriage. A couple of weeks ago, I found out that he and his wife are swingers. He was already one of my most beloved friends. Now I love him even more...

I just got back from New York. When I arrived there, I got lost on the way to my hotel. If New York was a funhouse of super fun before, try getting lost there. Street signs are only included at the very liberal discretion of the local governments. So at nighttime, my directional pants were so very gleeful. Somehow, I'd even managed to pass through a small section of Connecticut. New England is so beautiful. Especially when you're hoping to be in New York. So I stopped at a gas station in some little village town north of Yonkers and found a guy who was extremely helpful. I told him that I was trying to get to Hawthorne.

Helpful Stranger: "Oh yeah man, just take a left out of this parking lot, go right at the second light and you'll hit 287 which should take you right up there."

Our Hero: "Thanks a lot man. I really appreciate it (thinking that New Yorkers were much nicer than people gave them credit for being)."

Helpful Stranger: "You mind if I get a smoke from you?"

Our Hero: "Absolutely. No problem. Thanks for giving me such easy directions."

Helpful Stranger: "Yeah man, I know Hawthorne real well. I did about five years up at the prison there."

Our Hero: Complete and utter failed smile. But all the while thinking that I fucking love this state.


I noticed something about New York that I hadn't in the past. When it comes to naming shit, they don't mess around with frilly nancy boy overdone names. Simple, ugly, and signage that requires you have creative problem-solving skills. That's about all they got. I passed signs for Brewster and Rye on my way through the Bronx and went over the Throgs Neck Bridge on my way to Long Island. Want to get to Brooklyn? Guess how you get there? Go over the fuckin' Brooklyn Bridge. Bitch. And by the way, the interstates rarely if ever have directional indicators. If you're taking 295 or 495, you better pray you exited in the right place because there is no 295 North or South, East or West. There's 295 headed to the Bronx and in the other direction is probably headed toward Hell...

These two high school girls at the college fair laughed at me because I said "y'all". I laughed at them because they were dirty Yonkers skanks. It was a moment I'll never forget...

I spent time in my hotel room with this female college rep from New Jersey who I've become friends with. She's very open. She explained to me that there was nothing she enjoyed doing more in the world than giving head and that she had wanted to give me head since she met me. She's very open. But before I could respond, she informed me that as much as this would make her happy, it would be "emotionally inappropriate". And as I listened to her talk some more, I realized that the universal language of female bullshit sounds just as wonderful in a thick Jersey accent as it does in any other...

I drove through parts of Queens and the Bronx yesterday and for some inexplicable reason felt a little tougher just for having done so...

As I drove over the Throgs Neck Bridge yesterday and looked at the enormity of Manhattan, my heart and my chest was so full. It is so much and so much. And when I actually saw it without the Twin Towers, I understood why my Brooklyn-raised father was moved to tears on September 11th. He took me and my brother to the top of one of the towers when I was a kid. I don't think there's another place I've ever been inside of that no longer exists. It is so much and so much, but not complete...

I went to Long Island and met this prospective student and her parents. Great people. The girl's father was a former New York City Firefighter who had retired with disability after getting injured in the World Trade Center rescue efforts of September 11th. He told me that he loved New York as much as any man could, but loved it so much he wasn't sure if he could stand staying much longer after what had happened. At that moment, I knew that I would probably never come close to loving the way he did...

On the plane ride home, I learned that I have to contort myself into a 90 degree angle in order to take a piss in the airplane lavatory...

This college rep at one of the fairs told me the story of this kid who came to her table once and expressed an interest in working in a hospitality-related field. Since she rarely got asked about this program that her college did in fact offer, she was eager to explain all of the details of restaurant, hotel, and club management. She talked about internships, length of program, etc. That's when the kid stopped her and said that he wasn't interested in any of those things.

"I want to work in hospitality! You know, like in a hospital?"

Tonight I will devote five minutes to crying once again for the youth of America real hard...



Album of the Week: "You Could Have It So Much Better"

Artist: Franz Ferdinand

Song Highlights: "The Fallen", "Do You Want To", "Walk Away", "I'm Your Villian"






Song of the Day: "If You Could Read My Mind"

Artist: Gordon Lightfoot

Album: "Gord's Gold"

Lyric of Possible Relevance:

"If you could read my mind love
What a tale my thoughts could tell
Just like an old time movie
’bout a ghost from a wishin’ well
In a castle dark or a fortress strong
With chains upon my feet
But stories always end
And if you read between the lines
You’ll know that I’m just tryin’ to understand
The feelings that you lack."