Live From Suburbia For the Holidays

(Side A) Sometimes when I feel like Chinese, I'm craving sweet and sour chicken. Other times...


"um, hello. what is today? today is thursday. where is your blog? MIA. you bettah find it, mister, because its already late for the showers."

The above is a message left for me last Thursday by my friend Cara. I love Cara because she is direct and efficient in her correspondence. She really only feels a need to get in touch with me when she wants to complain about the fact that I haven't posted my genius musings for all of you. On the one hand, she's complaining. On the other hand, in doing so, she shows me love by letting me know that my inspiring words are her light and salvation. Or something like that. She reminds me of this former NFL wide receiver named Cris Carter. Someone once complained that all he ever caught were touchdowns. That's my Cara. I don't talk to her as much as I'd like, but when I do, it's always worthwhile. Hey, is there really a better Christmas present than a favorable football comparison for a girl? If there is, I can't think of one. And in case you're wondering, I have no idea what in the hell "it's already late for the showers" means...

My friend Ryan gave birth to this little angel a couple of weeks ago. A few days after she was born, Ellie Kate McLaughlin fell very ill and into a coma. At first, the doctors didn't believe she'd live for more than 24 hours. But since then, she's held on. And held on some more. And some more. She's on a breathing machine and with each passing day is relying less and less on it. For days she wouldn't open her eyes or cry. In the last day, she's begun to open her eyes a little bit. Now, the next step is for her to cry. I never thought I'd pray so hard for a baby to cry...

No one ever wants to admit to the guilty and self-centered personal feelings that are sometimes evoked in situations like this. But you all think I'm an asshole anyway, so I'll go ahead. Besides, anyone can say that they feel bad for a baby who is sick. Shit, I feel bad, you feel bad. But situations like this always cause us to reflect on our own lives in some ways but we never want to verbalize it because we don't want to take the attention from where it needs to be. Believe me, nothing takes the attention away from a sweet and innocent child like this. Having said all of that, here's how all of this made me feel about my life as it stands: irrelevant....

...and not for the reasons that typically spring to mind in these types of situations. It goes without saying that my life is a fucking sunny day on a naked beach with really attractive naked women who are also bisexual in comparison to what my friend is going through right now. But when I walked into that hospital waiting room last week and saw Ryan and her husband and her family and friends all there, I found myself feeling almost jealous. Shit, how terrible is that? I mean, I obviously wasn't jealous of the situation they found themselves in. I was jealous of the fact that my friends had the kind of life where such a situation is even possible. They have marriage and family and even if I'm not ready for that yet, I find myself in awe of the immense and immeasurable love and union that comes from it in times like this. I am happy to have no one close to me who is sick and dying. But at the same time, I find myself feeling irrelevant because I don't have someone in my life to feel that type of vulnerability for. There is no substitute for the bonds, the breaks, the peril, and the joy that only family can bring. I can look at their situation and find all the reasons I'll ever need to avoid having that kind of life. And I can look at their situation and find all the reasons I'll ever need to show me why I want that kind of life...

Side B...

Now that we're all down, let me bring you back up a little bit. This week's Wednesday's Child is the sexual super hot Zhang Ziyi. Zhang Ziyi is so supersexualworthy (Can anyone say, "Aww, me so horny,"?) due to her Chinesehotasiansmokingfineness that I've included two pictures of her that illustrate what I believe to be the two potential sides of every attractive woman. Side A (as pictured above) is the essential side that we all must see if there is ever any hope for--the sexual girl we want to sleep with and think un-Christian thoughts about and have sex in strange places where people could walk in at any time...Side B is the girlfriend/I could have an actual conversation with this person/I might be able to "love her long time" side. Now I, like most guys, don't generally believe in investigating Side B unless Side A is lurking seductively underneath (much like Zhang Ziyi is displaying here), but I bring all of this up for a reason.

My new year's resolution is to actually give Side B a chance. I think I'm ready for that. And I think I'm tired of having my friends refer to me as a manwhore (which I sorta like hearing sometimes) and am ready to actually go on a real date with actual girls I can have conversations with about important issues like--you know, stuff of importance and such. Eloquence is my bitch.

I think it's time to have someone to be miserable with again. I think it's time to have someone to have coffee with. I think it's time to have someone to get nervous about. I think it's time to have someone to make an ass out of myself for who will find it endearing--and still sleep with me. I think it's time. And if it takes time, I'm sure I'll be able to keep myself busy with plenty of Side A's. Ah yes, the Christmas season does funny things to my sad bastard glass is three quarters empty heart. I haven't really been willing to look into Side B up to this point since the big lifechanging thing of destruction and all. But I think I'm ready to get classy again, San Diego...

Quick Hits

I've had some quality time with daytime television in the last couple days and I am left with one very important question, begging to be answered: Who clamored to get "Moesha" syndicated while there isn't an episode of "Hey Dude!" to be found?

I've decided that I'm not going to see "Brokeback Mountain". But not for the reasons you might think. Confident in both my own sexuality and equipped with a reasonable amount of gay friends, the subject matter about two gay ranchers who find forbidden love with one another is in no way threatening. Despite the buzz and the constant references to this being a "gay Western" or a "gay cowboy movie", stars of this movie such as Jake Gyllenhaal want the film to be simply approached as a "love story like any other". Well, if this is a love story like any other, then I'll treat it as such and elect not to pay eight and a half bucks to watch this. For if I am to be a true believer in equality, I'll have to treat gay sappy depressing movies the way I currently treat straight sappy depressing movies...

My dad asked me to get him some cologne for Christmas, which I've done many times in the past for him. But I'm thinking of putting my foot down this time. Do I really want to, in any way, contribute to my father's ability to attract more women? Because I only wear cologne on the rare occasion that I think it might make a difference in getting laid. Wouldn't I be foolish to assume my father's mindset is any different?

I read a story today that a human rights group is alleging that U.S. agents used music by Eminem and Dr. Dre as methods of torture against Arab detainees. Personally, I think we took it easy on them by not forcing them to listen to the Black Eyed Peas. There's nothing more cruel and unusual than death by sparing...

I was recently sent a list of thirty interesting facts about how badass Chuck Norris is (http://www.4q.cc/chuck/index.php?topthirty). My personal favorite? "Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away."

I have a myspace page now. Some of you know where it is and some of you don't. For those of you who don't, have fun finding it. For those of you bored at home during the holidays, you now have a fun little project to embark upon. Your reward? A super sweet picture of me chugging a bottle of champagne into oblivion.

I always said I wanted to date a cute, indie, coffee shop worker. Preferably a girl. With glasses. I've always had a weak spot in my little gay emo heart for this kind of girl. Well, the good reverend has found a girl who fits this description working in a local candy store on Western Avenue. Will I have the balls to ask her out? Tune in next time (or in January) to find out...

I drank something called a "Car Bomb" on Friday. It's not quite as good as the "Lunchbox", but better than the "Rattlesnake". Of course all of these drinks are better than my failed "Tang and Vodka" concoction of 1999...

Happy Holidays to all of my readers whom I love. And the same goes for you readers I don't. If I'm being unclear, I apologize. I love you all. Unless I don't...

Hey Cara. I know that yesterday I said "Tonight" but what I really meant was "Tonight" today. Or actually, this evening...

As an added bonus, I hope you enjoy a recent photo of me at my new holiday job...

Album of the Week: "Up the Bracket"

Artist: The Libertines

Song Highlights: "Death on the Stairs", "Time for Heroes", "Boys in the Band", "Radio America", "Tell The King"

Song of the Day: "Looking For a Way Out"

Artist: Uncle Tupelo

Album: "89/93: An Anthology"

Lyric of Possible Relevance:

"When you find you can't somehow make it like all the rest

You won't need to scrounge around for someone else

Torn between the unknown and the place that you call home

And the life you want but have never known

There was a time you could put it out of your mind

Leave it all behind

There was a time

That time is gone."