Wednesday's Child OR The Girl Who Sorta Makes My Pants Go Crazy This Week

This woman has single-handedly destroyed the "West Side Story" principle of film I'd always held so dear. Translation: She owns my pants. (Alternate caption: Mmmmm. Soft.)

I fucking hate "West Side Story". And this is not some irrational hatred of musicals--though I do believe that most musicals are plays that are rudely interrupted by cheesy show tune shyte just when the story is getting remotely interesting. No, I particularly hate "West Side Story" for two distinct reasons:

1. The sickening overuse of choreographed musical stagefighting.

Ah yes, musical stagefighting is right up there with Tae Bo and disco-borne "Kung Fu Fighting" as the least effective forms of hand-to-hand combat known to man. There is nothing that quite ruins a good streetgang warfare movie more than when said gang members break out into song and tinged with gayness dance right before a fight. Or even worse, when the fighting itself occurs within the confines of the dancing and the singing and the macho gayness. There's nothing that brings failed smile and monumental power down like the tension of interracial gang warfare interrupted by Broadway-style song and dance. Yeah, snap your fingers some more, tough guy.

2. The use of fake Puerto Ricans in the movie.

Many of you who know me have heard this from me before. You only prayed you'd never have to hear me rant about it again. Told you there was no God. Suckers. In the Academy Award winning film version of "West Side Story" (Vomit and a half), all of the Puerto Ricans who belonged to the Shark gang were played by fucking white people! The lead female Puerto was played by Natalie Wood--a blue eyed, white as the driven snow woman if there ever was one. Hey, if we are all so outraged by the use of "blackface" by white actors (white actors painted up to play black characters), I have a right to be upset by this. And you can imagine that as a half white, half Spic that I am all messed up inside by this. In fact, I'm quite certain this issue was the impetus behind the divorce of my white mommy and dirty Puerto Rican father. Are you actually telling me that there were NO Puerto Ricans in all of New York to be found to play these parts? I'm betting there were one or two. And that they were much better dancers than the white actors. In fact, since the street warfare of this movie essentially came down to a "So You Think You Can Dance"-style jerk off contest, I'm betting my sweet Puerto ass that the Sharks would have beaten the Jets to high holy hell. With flair, mind you.

But allow me to somewhat backtrack and calm the pounding of my Hispano heart down in recognition of this week's Wednesday's Child, the Italianafrescasexual Monica Bellucci. In the highly underrated film "Under Suspicion", the meltylovely Monica plays a beautiful Puerto Rican wife to a powerful American politician played by the great Gene Hackman. The film also stars Morgan Freeman and Thomas Jane and has one of those "Usual Suspects"-esque endings that I know all of you with taste would love. Almost more insultingly, despite the fact the this movie was actually FILMED IN SAN JUAN, PUERTO RICO, the main female lead is played by an Italian actress! But I forgive this film for three important reasons:

1. This movie was actually good.

2. When it got violent, it got violent. No fucking dancing during the fighting to be found.

3. This Italian actress, Monica Bellucci, is Italian AND hot.

So once again, the discovery and discourse related to hot women I put in my column has bridged a vital cultural and artistic divide. I can forgive white people in my heart now.

Ellie Kate Update

Many of you have inquired about the baby girl I mentioned in my last column that came at the end of December. Here's the latest update in the words of her parents:

"We are about 95% sure that we have a diagnosis. It is Nonketotic Hyperglycinemia (NKH). The Medical field is still learning about this disorder and are still conducting research into not only its effects on the body but also possible treatments. Neither Ryan or I know much about this disorder outside of the fact that it is pretty hard to spell and is a big-time winner in a scrabble challenge. If you want to read all about the details of this then go ahead and google it. Be warned that most medical literature is necessarily on the negative side. The good news is we have a diagnosis and we'll begin to create a tailored treatment plan just for EKM. That is all for now, good night now."-- M

And this yesterday:

"It has been unbelievable to witness the transformation from December 9 toJanuary 9. Today Ellie Kate fed from Ryan for the first time in over a month. Yes, Ryan did cry. Ellie Kate also passed her latest hearing test. She is very active and looks very normal according to her biased mommy. I'll be heading back down to Houston on Friday to see EKM and Ryan. I just finished watching Lost, tonight's episode in a nutshell centered on redemption, among other things. Ryan and I spoke after we watched from different places. I couldn't help but think about not only the impact of this verse on the show but upon my spirit and countenance during the past few weeks. The Lord is my shepherd... and He is Ellie's shepherd as well."--M

Today comes the news that Ellie Kate and family will be returning home within the next few days. I don't know a prognosis. I only know that things appear to be looking up if only for the fact that she's coming home. The journey is only beginning.

One of my co-workers and a truly wonderful (and hot) woman, Saundra, has organized a charity spaghetti dinner on the campus of Oklahoma City University on Tuesday, January 31st, from 5:00-7:00 PM. For those of you in the Oklahoma City area, PLEASE come and support this family during their trying time. If you can't be there, feel free to consider a donation. For more details on that, contact me. You know how.

Ah, I feel warmth and fuzziness coming on real strong...

The Candy Girl (Continued)

If you don't know who the "Candy Girl" is, go read the end of my previous column. Slackers.

She works at a candy store and appears to be oh so sweet and clean. Sigh.

Well, your hero Rev. Rob grew a combination of guts and balls and marched right up to the store she works at, turned around to walk away, turned back around, away again, and finally back again until I had actually walked in her store and asked for her number and a date. I truly "got digits, Baby." I'm really hoping this works for a while. I mean, how many perverted metaphors do you think I could come up with using the words "candy" and "girl", or a combination of both?

She seems like a beautiful and sweet girl. But really, the main point of the story is that I've taken a big boy step. I may reach adulthood, yet! This was something I've wanted to do since December. Resolutions? Shit, I don't know. I make choices. And will live, learn, and go. Life's course should always be this simplistically grand. I'd forgotten what butterflies felt like. They actually feel pretty good when she smiles and says "yes".

Like my new toilet? Remember, no one asks you to be a good sport when something you've wanted to happen has happened. Viva Hate.



Album of the Week: "Superunknown"

Artist: Soundgarden

Song Highlights: "Let Me Drown", "My Wave", "Fell On Black Days", "Black Hole Sun", "Spoonman"







Song of the Day: "Caring Is Creepy"

Artist: The Shins

Album: "Oh, Inverted World"

Lyric of Possible Relevance:

"It's a luscious mix of words and tricks
That let us bet when you know we should fold
On rocks i dreamt of where we'd stepped
And of the whole mess of roads we're now on."