I Accidentally Bought Emo and Other Misadventures of Rob

Thanks for coming back! Exploding high five!


Sorry for the long breaky break. I must at least promote the illusion of having a life. I don't want to be one of those people who writes a blog everyday or maybe even every week. That way I can tell people that, "yeah, I have a blog, but I don't have much time for it because I'm really busy." I have a business card that says I'm the assistant director of something. I hope that makes sense on several crunchy chewy levels of reasoningnesses.

I returned home to dirty good Oklahoma from disturbingly clean Texas where the stars are at night are big and bright and the hills are alive with the sound of music I think. Two weeks felt like a real like long time. I mean, that almost felt like two and a half weeks. So let's get some business out of the way first...

My brother says she's hot and said that her show was greatness. Much to my gigantoid surprise, he's actually half right.

This edition's (if I say "this week's", Jesus Lordy God will strike me down) Wednesday's Child is the apparently long overdue and overly neglected Keri Russell. She's 30 now and hotter than she ever was in her twenties. That entire previous sentence goes against everything I previously believed and blows my dirty Puerto mind six ways to...Wednesday? Of course, I used to think that visual evidence was used to right wrongs. But even I learned that there are always exceptions this past week.

Of course all the visual pants-ifying evidence clearly supports that my brother may not be totally gay after all. While her association with Tom Cruise (Mission Impossible 3) makes me wonder if she might be infected with scientological VD, I choose to give her the benefit of the doubt. So little brother, horny exploding high fives all around for Keri Russell. Take a look at how Vanity Fair has dropped the A-bomb on my forward region.





So I guess you could say I've come around real hard on Keri Russell. I am nothing if not open to change. It's not just a dirty mind. It's a dirty OPEN mind.


Thoughts, Questions, Musings, and other Genius--pseudo or otherwise



For some reason I can't turn the "bold off". Fuck off, blogger! safdsfasfdadff

(14 things, all so very important and very very)

1. Why do I always feel the need to number everything? I used to think that numbering made me better. Of course, as I've aged I've realized that there are LOTS of things that make me better than most people.


2. As most of you know, I spend my fall trips to Dallas/Fort Worth doing lots of recruiting of young children. See what I did there? Creepy. Anyway, you guys know that a big part of my job is working at college fairs so that a bunch of kids who think they're special but mostly aren't can come up to my table and we can converse under this very flimsy premise. Anyway, in most cases the coordinators of these fairs or "festivals of lies and broken promises" put the colleges and universities in alphabetical order. So over the years, I've been able to get to know the other recruiters who work around me whose colleges start with the letter "O". One in particular is the Dallas recruiter who works for Oklahoma State University. She and I have known each other now for about three years, but this was the first year that it occurred to me how much I really would like to fuck her little brains out--gently and with tender care, that is. But I am now conflicted. I am a proud graduate of the University of Oklahoma. If I fuck her, does this make me a bad Sooner? Do I care? Should I care? Please discuss.


3. Last year when I was in Dallas, I updated this blog very frequently with my genius observations regarding the humorous phenomenon of "message t-shirts". Unfortunately for all of us, this fad went the way of Anna Nicole Smith's son (too soon?). I found that it took the piss out of all my venomnous goodness I planned to shower you with. How sad is it that I'm disappointed that the kids weren't as obviously stupid this year? Much like a famous ex of mine, I may have to admit that I am in need of something to complain about. Of course, now I'm complaining about a lack of things to complain about. Geez, I fucking rule.


4. So a few weeks ago I went on a couple dates with this girl. She has some issues (I know, can you imagine?), but she's a good conversationalist, intelligent, and hot. Hot's good, right? Well, since I'd been going through a relatively prolonged physical drought, I decided I would fight through just about anything to have some fun. So we went out a couple times, messed around a bit (high school fun, nothing SUPER fun), and all seemed well. Of course the third date's a mighty fucking charm. Then the following dialogue takes place:



Me: So how late did you all stay at the bar?


Her: Don't do that. I hate that.


Me: What?


Her: You ended your sentence with a preposition. That's a huge pet peeve for me.


Me: (laughing) Are you serious?


Her: Yeah, I really hate that.


Me: Well (uncomfortably laughing now), I don't really like to be corrected like that. It sounds really condescending.


Her: Well, that's too bad. Deal with it. That's how I am.
------

Yeah, that was five minutes into our drive from her place into the city for dinner and drinks. I either wanted to turn the car around at this point or shove her out of my car onto I-35 northbound. Where the fuck do these girls come from? Can't I just have a relatively decent one who is freaky in the good ways? Fuck.

Anyway, I fought through the evening. We had dinner, went to the Rooster for a couple beers, and I took her home. Now I still messed around with her, but I didn't feel good about it. I promise. I think we're done anyhow. When I can get physical with a girl and an incident like this still lingers with me, I'm pretty sure that I'm not far from being an even bigger dick and correcting her. Like if we ended up having sex, I'd give her a detailed critique. When she started getting upset, I'd tell her, "Hey, deal with it. That's how I am."

5. Of course, the "Prepositiongate" date had a slight silver lining. While we were out at dinner, my ex's best friend walked right by my table and made eye contact. We didn't talk, but I felt a sense of satisfaction and relief. I mean, she didn't know how much I was despising that girl at that moment. All she knew was that I was out, moving on with my life, having dinner with an attractive girl. That part satisfied me. I was relieved because I never run into this girl or my ex. I always super-prayed that if I ever did, I'd be with a girl on a date. Immature? Yes. An indication I still care about my ex's opinion a little too much? Sure. But who cares? I'll take my little moments of triumph when I can get them.

6. I spent a little time with my dad while I was at home. When he's not predicting the rapture in great detail, he's actually a really fun guy to spend time with. At one point in one of our varied conversations, I remarked to my father that I'd really like for him to write a detailed account of his younger years because lately that kind of thing has become more important to me. I told him that I wanted possible kids from my possible wife to know who their grandfather is if he's not around for some possible reason. I told him that I knew very little about his experience in the military. Of course, this has always been a strange subject with my father. Growing up, he made it sound like all he did in the Air Force during the Vietnam War was sit around, drink coffee, and smoke all day. Yeah, I was pretty convinced my dad was living the American dream. Why did he ever want to get out of the military? It wasn't until I was older that my big sister told me that my father had worked crash rescue and seen some pretty fucked up shit. I asked for a nugget of something and this was what he gave me.

He intimated the following to me:

One time, he was laid up in a military hospital in Thailand. He told me what a small world it was because when he was in this hospital he heard a familiar voice. It turned out to be one of his friends from his old neighborhood in Brooklyn. They hadn't seen each other in years and where do they meet up again after all this time? In Thailand during the middle of a war.

Now I could have left it at this and it would have been fine. But I had to know why he was in that hospital. It turns out my father was suffering from an infection. What kind of infection? Well apparently, the combination of the conditions and the warm and humid weather had caused him to get an infection. On his, um...manhood. I can't even say dick. It's my father. Shit. Then he tells me that he wasn't circumcised when he went into the military. He didn't have "the procedure" performed until he was 28! He said that issues "related to that" caused him to get infections in Thailand. Because as he put it, "it doesn't matter how old you are, if you're a man you wake up in the morning 'standing at attention' " and this led to medical issues.

Just another wacky, random, and somewhat golden story from my wacky, random, and somewhat golden father.

7. I'd like to take a moment to salute a long lost friend of mine, Janna. It occurred to me the other day that of all the people I've lost touch with lately, she may be the coolest. I think she may kinda be my inspiration. When I wonder if it's possible to live with self-conflict, doubt, and sometimes a lack of direction and still manage to eventually find everything you want, I look to her. Janna is newly married and a new mother. From all accounts, she's happier than she's ever been and that makes me really happy and makes me hopeful.

Best line from a person ever came from Janna. We were at some party years ago and a bunch of people were sitting around playing Scattergories or some form of an entertaining excuse for us to drink constructively. So at some point during the game, we have to name forms of birth control. We go around in a circle and people name brands of condoms, birth control meds, etc. When it comes around to Janna she delivers goldy gold hall of fame gold: "Anal. That's my favorite."

Janna is such a badass and a genius and doesn't mind telling you what she's thinking and I know so few like her. And she's hot and cool and even though she still hasn't given me back that book I lent her, it's alright because she's hot and still reads my blog. But I still want my book back. Janna, I wish you the best. You are missed. And I really don't miss anyone.

8. I arrived home last night to find that the hot water had been shut off in my building due to a busted pipe or something or whatever and what. I hadn't had a shower since the day before and I was supposed to go to a concert that evening. I waited and waited, knowing that there was someone working on the problem and hoping I could get a warm shower. Finally, time ran out and I said fuck all. I took my first truly cold shower in my life. I literally screamed the entire way through it and after I was done felt more like a man than I had in years. Except for the shrinkage.

9. I took a short break in writing this to have some dinner from a fine establishment called "Wendy's". Quick note. The new vanilla frosty is tasty and good and quite good.

10. I accidentally bought an emo CD from Best Buy the other day. I thought I was buying this one band's CD, but apparently I was off by a word in their name or something. So after I got in my car and put the CD in, I made the "chocolate mint" face. There is nothing that tastes more like shit to me than chocolate and mint. Well, except maybe shit. One time my friend Brian gave me what I thought was some sort of chocolate coffee-flavored frozed beverage. I took one taste and my gag (I almost typed fag) reflex went off. I made that face when I heard the generic-sounding emo lead singer wail out his generic emo shit and I felt like I had simultaneously been kicked in the nuts (my money had gone to support this band) and made to watch puppies die (I will never get "Where the Red Fern Grows" out of my head).

11. I'm listening to Nick Drake as I finish this up. Anyone who doesn't know who Nick Drake is should find out. He's dead and great and great. The concert I went to last night was Band of Horses. They were excellent. I had to leave early because I started to get sick. It may have been the residual effects of my "emo purchase" experience. I'm thinking of taking a power washer to the inside of my car to get the stench of spareness out.

12. My friend Dan just IMd me and asked me if I had a blog coming because he's been looking forward to it all weekend and it feels like waiting for the season premiere of his favorite show. Now while I know how great the things of Rob are, please temper your expectations. This column was probably just "exceptional" instead of it's usual "pristine".

13. Last thing. I have this bathroom reader (well, I've made it a bathroom reader because I keep it in my bathroom) called "The Alphabet of Manliness." It may be the funniest thing I've ever read except for the fact that I read my own blog. But the dedication quote of the author's (a genius simply known as Maddox) is worth noting: "To the love of my life, my soul mate, and the greatest person in the world: Me."

14. For real last thing. One of my best friends, the infamous or just legendary Rhiannon, is about to give birth to a baby in the next week. I just want you to know that I am so happy for you and that I would still totally have sex with you in your advanced condition.


Album of the Week: "Waterloo to Anywhere"

Artist: Dirty Pretty Things

Song Highlights: "Deadwood", "Bang, Bang, You're Dead", "Gin & Milk", "The Enemy"




Song of the Day: "Carolina Rain"

Artist: Ryan Adams

Album: "29"

Lyric of Possible Relevance:

"I should've told him that you were the one for me,
But I lied, But I lied."