Ice Storm of Doom

Ice Storm of Doom. Dr. Doom. Could there be a connection?






"Ice Storm of Doom. Ice Storm of Doom. Ice Storm of Doom. Ice Storm of Doom."

Those words have been stuck in my Superhead for the last couple of days. Everytime I stepped out onto the balcony and took a gander or a goose or whatever at the gigantic empty parking lot that looked like it could be an outdoor ice rink, the only words I could think of were these. Ominous? Yes. Kickass sounding? Fuck yeah.

The Ice Storm of Doom started here in the Sooner State on Friday but didn't kick into high gear until late last night. So while I was able to escape my home yesterday for some beer, football, and fellowship with friends, today I was stuck at home with who had up to this point been one of my least favorite people--me. Today has been Rob Day. At least it was so proclaimed by Mayor Rob of Rob Town, America. The Ice Storm of Doom was the impetus for this Festivus Feat of Strength known as the Rob Manifesto of Transformation For Stronginess and Strengthitude.

So tonight, I write. For I am bright like Lite Brite. And it is this evening when I've decided to do something completely original for the new year. I've decided to talk about how I'm going to be a whole new man! Here are the new rules for Rob Town as set forth by the Honourable and Venerable Rev. Rob Mayor Rob:

1. Rob will speak of himself in the third person and you will like it.

2. Rob will ask out girls who are out of his league, freely and without discretion. Rob has only so many years of decent scalp coverage remaining.

3. Rob will kick cats if they're really asking for it.

4. Rob will spend more time appreciating the virtues of the single life that Rob has largely taken for granted.

5. Rob will let everyone know that he finally got his engagement ring back so that when people ask him if he got it back he can say "Hell yeah!" though he will feel no need to explain how long it actually took to get it back. The ring is sold and many useless fun things have been purchased with the money.

6. Rob will try harder to be even more critical of his friends' shitty taste in music if it is indeed necessary and it probably will be.

7. Rob will tell people who watch "Grey's Anatomy" to get a fucking life. When confronted with horrified looks of outrage, Rob will remind them that tough love is just the way he rolls.

8. Rob will henceforth refuse to invest actual hope in his beloved football teams that he could be investing in the pursuit of writing the words of inspiration his friends count on or the pursuit of getting laid more or something else, anything else because how in God's name do you fuck up a snap on a 19 yard field goal to win a playoff game when you haven't fucked up a snap all year, Tony Homo?!!?!

9. Rob will try to re-capture the joy he used to find in his job.

10. Rob will ONLY be in one wedding this year. The rest of you ought to just live out Rob's dream, go to Vegas, and have someone dressed as Elvis marry you with hard force and a hunka hunka burnin' love.

11. Rob will be more of a man. The last time Rob checked, women had brought him--on balance--more misery than happiness. So Rob is done kissing their asses because Rob understands that there's nothing you can do to make them happy, and not much more that they do to make Rob happy. In fact, Rob's quite sure there's nothing anyone can do to make anyone else happy. Rob suggests that people make their own manifesto and find their own happiness and stop being douches like Rob has so often been.

12. Rob wants his friends who are all "coupled out" all over the place to stop telling him who he should and shouldn't be with because "we" are not "you" and it doesn't work the way it worked on "Friends". Promise.

13. Rob will let the girl he kidnapped go free. Probably.

14. Rob will work strong hard Kung Fu style to make himself a more superiorerer writer in both form and content. You will likey what he writey. Or else Rob promises to off himself. Rob believes in real tough intense self love like that.



15. Rob will get himself involved in at least one project to serve his community that his probation doesn't prevent him from participating in.



16. Rob will try harder not to lust after one of his friend's sisters. Once she's married. Which is a mistake.



17. Rob will be a better listener for his friends. As long as what they're saying interests him.



18. Rob won't make lists that contain over 18 things. Or thingies. Whatever.





The eighteen steps to fulfillment were forged by a journey of exploration inspired by the Ice Storm of Doom. All the news networks have a catchy name like "Winter Blast 2007" or the particularly original "Ice Storm 2007". "Ice Storm of Doom". Learn it. Live it. Love it.



I SO super promise to be better this year, everyone. It's like SO AWESOME and cool to reflect, eh? And all I can say is that it's about to get AWESOMER. And just so you all can understand what kind of Optimus Prime humungogigantic changes I'm undergoing, look at the following artist's rendering of what 2007 Rob looks like:







*Any resemblance of 2007 Rob to Silver Surfer is purely coincidental.










And these are pictures of new Bond girl, Eva Green that I found. Why? Because Mayor Stone Cold Reverend Rob says so.











Album of the Month: "The Virgin Suicides" [Original Soundtrack]

Artist: Air

Song Highlights: "Playground Love", "The World Hurricane", "High School Lover", "Dead Bodies"









Song of the Day: "Moonshiner"

Artist: Uncle Tupelo

Album: "March 16-20, 1992"

Lyric of Possible Relevance:

"Let me eat when I'm hungry
Let me drink when I'm dry
Two dollars when I'm hard up
Religion when I die
The whole world is a bottle
And life is but a dram
When the bottle gets empty
Lord, it sure ain't worth a damn."