She is my drumbanging angel of a birthday girl--and she's Scientology-free!
Like so very much in my life, I had my very special birthday edition of Wednesday's Child planned well in advance. This is not to say that this week's selection isn't extremely worthy, it's just to say I had another girl in mind for this particular week. She'd always been a guilty pleasure for me and I thought that her previous status and her overall longevity in my mental porn closet merited a special occasion feature post.
However, Miss Katie Holmes has been disqualified VERY hard at this present time. She used to be a sweet good hard clean girl that I wanted to attach myself to on several different levels. Instead, she has suddenly gone Branch Davidian on all of us with the great Dark Sith Lord himself, Tom Cruise. Over this past month, Tom has infected Katie so very disgustingly with a forceful and dirty scientology-filled lap dance of destruction. This gorgeous devout Catholic has been turned into a drone of superficiality in the mold of the David Koresh leader himself, one Tom "Maverick MaFuckin'guire" Cruise. And now, I will walk into the new Batman movie I've anticipated so greatly thinking about how "undevout" girls really can get when they think they can move up a notch by sleeping with pricks of highly questionable substance...
However, I refuse to take any more valuable words from this week's hardcore superstar (wink Janna) woman of Wednesday, the gigantically candycanesexual Meg White. Yes, the less heralded half of one of my desert island top five favorite bands, the White Stripes, is this week's Wednesday's Child. She is also the first of my many fine ladies featured thus far that I've actually seen in person. A couple years ago, she and her brother Jack (I know, I know but play along with their genius bit a little longer) came and rocked my sweet Spic ass across every corner of the Bricktown Events Center. While the vocal stylings and devil-guitar wizadry of Jack White set us all on fire, it was Meg's sweet body I watched convulse with every sonic boom of her drumkit that made my White Stripes experience a truly brain-scarring (in a good way) one.
In one look, Meg recalls that first girl you had the tingle for before you knew what the fuck a tingle was. She can go from an innocent doe-eyed looking angel to the intimidating drum thunder goddess that kicked all your friends' asses and is coming for you next--and you can't wait. She bangs the drum like each beat might be her last and adds a sugary vitality to the fuel-driven blues rock of the Candy Cane duo that I've come to love so very hard. Meg White is my dreamy dream birthday girl of sinful sinfulness because everytime I listen to her kick pedal intro to "Jimmy the Exploder", the sound reverbs into my chest cavity--and ultimately into my "sucker for a beautiful girl who can rock" Latino heart. Thus concludes another sweetly poetic and pantsfelt edition of Wednesday's Child.
Freakshow Neighbor
America's great urban areas have always been characterized by the presence of "colorful" characters populating their boundaries. Oklahoma City is certainly no different. However, if you're like most of us, you probably think that these people are generally a part of the homeless population roaming the streets. I'm here to let all of you know that they can live right next door to you!
Apparently, my new next door neighbor thinks I shut the door a bit too loudly late at night. (Just wait until I start getting girls here more often...) Well, as a guest and I were standing outside enjoying the night air, my neighbor comes out of her apartment and this approximate exchange followed:
Freakshow Neighbor: Excuse me. Would you please try not to slam your door shut after 10 PM?
Greatness of Rob: (Thinking that this is a very reasonable request) Absolutely. I'm so sorry that I woke you up. I just moved in and this door kind of sticks and sometimes I have to pull pretty hard to get it to shut. I'm really sorry.
Freakshow Neighbor: Please try to make less noise. Everytime that door slams, my cat wakes up and I'm trying to give her an I.V. When the cat wakes up her I.V. comes loose and I have to put it back in.
Greatness of Rob: (With my best "What the fuck is this crazy bitch talking about?" face) Um, yeah. I'll try to do that. I'm sorry.
Okay. Call me an insensitive prick (many of you have a lot of practice at this), but what the fuck is this woman talking about? I know for a fact that she's a law student. Why the fuck is she playing the role of a fatter, bitchier Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman in "Animal E.R." with her cat? Is she actually a trained professional? Secondly, is some $20 cat worth all of this trouble? Finally, does this cat sleep like a regular human being or something? Last time I checked, we didn't worry too much about WAKING PETS UP! Pets eat, sleep, and shit at various points throughout the day. Was this woman actually implying that I was waking up her dirty cat the way that someone might wake up a sleeping baby? I've got seventeen words for you, Lady: "Died alone in a heaping pile of cat filfth from her 28 cats she considered her 'babies'.
Final Shameless Plug For My Birthday Celebration
For those of you coming this weekend, the giant birthday spectacular is still being held at 9 PM at the Belle Isle Brewery in Oklahoma City on Saturday, June 18th. If you get there a little before 9, you'll avoid paying a cover charge that goes to line the pockets of some hugely spare cover band.
Super Important News and Notes
1. My best friend in the entire dirty, overrated world, Mr. A. is getting married. She's a wonderful girl, my brother. All my best wishes for you and your lovely lady. Even a cynical bastard like me is genuinely happy for you.
2. All of you need to stop getting married. God, you are all conspiring to make me feel alone. I hate all of you.
3. I've had time to reconsider #2. I just remembered that I'm a cynical bastard. I do, in fact, love you.
4. But seriously, stop getting married.
5. In a postive note related to news item #1, I will be inheriting the WORLD FAMOUS Mr. A. "erotica" collection which includes nearly 200 videos and DVDs. How will I possibly fit all of that love into one apartment?
6. This inheritance was NOT my idea. But how can I say "no" to my best friend? I think to turn down "art" like this would be in very poor taste.
7. On an unrelated note, I'll be taking the next ten days off of work.
Song of the Day: "Lover, You Should've Come Over"
Artist: Jeff Buckley
Album: Grace
Lyric of Possible Relevance:
"And maybe I'm too young to keep good love from going wrong
But tonight you're on my mind, so you never know."
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2 comments:
I think it's a rule that you must live next door to a psycho neighbor no matter how nice the complex. At my New Years party, ya know where sometimes people stay up late, our neighbor came over with a baseball bat and threatened my friend who answered the door that if "we don't stop slamming doors he was going to crack some skulls" We were not making much noise nor slamming doors. He was also the same person that woke me up at 7am one morning because he was crying at the top of his lungs for 2 straight hours where his wife called the police on him. I'm sure Akron, Ohio will be much saner, wait...
-john
I'm REALLY happy about Meg White since I've been listening to Get Behind Me Satan all week and also because it makes me happy that you took a break from actresses and included another musician.
And of course, happy happy happy birthday week. Have so much fun at Ryan Adams and at your birthday extravaganza.
Also, even when you move from urban areas, you still get psycho neighbors. My parents' neighbors are a gay retired couple and they spend, not kidding, probably 14 hours working on their yard every day. And it looks great, but since my dad travels for work about 2 weeks of every month, he doesn't really have time to play landscape architect. So Tom and Jim send someone to the door EVERY MONTH who offers my mom to plant flowers, mow the grass, pull weeds, etc. My mom always asks why this random stranger just stopped by the house offering lawncare services, and they always tell her that Jim told them she would want some help. But don't worry, Jim doesn't actually talk to my mom HIMSELF. He is offended that their yard doesn't have 847 exotic plants.
Wow this was really long.
Love you.
rn
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