Wednesday's Child OR The Girl Who Sorta Makes My Pants Go Crazy This Week

She is a world champion ball pounder and yet, I am unafraid.


Recently I was the recipient of some good advice from a close friend of mine named Tyler. When I told him that sometimes I got down because I couldn't help thinking about my ex-girlfriend, he told me that I should take that energy and time and think about my FUTURE girlfriend. Now at first, I thought this advice was a little bit silly because it isn't easy to put that much thought into someone imaginary. To which my psychotherapist replied that I was doing a pretty damn good job imagining "Tyler". To which I replied, "I know you are, but what am I." She's overpaid.

So I started to give a lot of thought as to what my future girlfriend should be like. Here are the "lucky girl's" prominent features:

1. Highly hot and sexually energized. Yeah, I know I should say something like "sweet" or "caring" or "intelligent", but a girl I met out at the bar last night told me that I should always be honest about what I really want. Otherwise I'm just a fraud like every other man she's ever known. She was such a bitch and she was so hot because of it. With all the crap I've put up with in women lately, I really just want to start out with someone attractive who is attracted to me equally. If that makes me more of an asshole, I say the joke's on you. I was already as big an asshole as exists!

2. She must not be currently undergoing/being in need of more therapy than me. One of us needs to be the strong, solid, and sane one. That way, she'll either force me to become a better person or I'll force her into some solid quality time in the fun happy wonderland of couples counseling!

3. No and I mean NO hints of sexual dysfunction. If it starts hot and heavy and then disappears for no other reason than "I can't", you're out. If "you won't", then that's easy. We aren't right for each other. If "you can't" and yet you still want to stay together I would have to say that "the road to hell is paved with good intentions" and I INTEND to get laid on a regular basis. My days of being understanding and receiving nothing in return have gone the way of Katie Holmes' taste in men.

4. Intelligence, honesty, caring, passion, blah, blah, blah. Why even list these? Everyone wants (or at least claims to want) these things. I do, too. But no one has all of these things at all times. I mean hell, I'm good at finding intelligent and honest girls who don't have an ounce of warm blood pumping through their dirty veins or I find girls who care and are passionate--about shows like "The Bachelor".

5. Athletic and fit while remaining feminine. I'm afraid that the women of the Pro Bowling Association probably will need to exit the building right now.

6. BONUS. Someone who is cultured. Perhaps even someone who speaks multiple languages! If, in another language, she could say that she has violent diarrhea and needs to go to the bathroom real bad and I could be turned on, she's a keeper.

So as I was flipping through the channels the other day, I was emotionally and deeply moved when I spotted her--the woman who I was sure would fit all my criteria and who would I'd fit... Anyway, there she was, forehanding and volleying her way so sexually into my deep, dark existence at Wimbledon, this week's Wednesday Child, Maria Sharapova.

Now without knowing her on a truly personal level (yet), it would be hard to surmise how she rates on all of my criteria. But I have a distinct gut feeling, or slightly below my gut, that the lovely Maria won't let me down. I have no fear of any lingering sexual dysfunction on her part. Not only does she appear to be highly formercommunistsexualhot, she appears to be full of energy and vitality. I know this because I have sat for hours and watched her run around in a short skirt chasing balls and moaning with extreme determination. Seriously, check out ESPN2. I also know that she speaks at least TWO languages, Russian and English, and three if you count THE LANGUAGE OF LOVE! Athletic, feminine and she seems intelligently focused on her passion of the game she honestly cares for so much--tennis. Oh yeah, and I think she's half Hispanic like me! Her first name is Maria...

Maria Sharapova is an extremely good strong recipient of this week's Wednesday's Child. But more importantly, she may be my future. I'm afraid I'll be busy this weekend. I just sent an e-mail to her fansite and I'm sure that once she is as floored as I was by our compatibility, she'll be calling to make plans. Oh, Maria, I have plans for you and me that are extremely unwholesome.

Current Count of Girls I Inexplicably Care About But Who are Mad at Me For Reasons They Refuse to Disclose and I'm Unaware of and Aren't Talking to Me Because They Are Acting Like Twelve-Year-Olds

CCOGIICABWAMAMFRTRTDAIUOAATTMBTAALTYO: 2

I like to keep count.

Link Explosion Party

I've added some new "Super Strong" links to the right-hand side of my page. Enjoy yourself crazy.

Song of the Day: "What Became of the Likely Lads"

Artist: The Libertines

Album: The Libertines

Lyric of Possible Relevance:

"Just blood runs thicker, oh we're thick as thieves, you know
If that's important to you
Its important to me
I tried to make you see
But you don't want to know."