The Legend of Reverend Rob Is Born

Even Kate was blown away by the beautiful words of one Reverend Rob.




Glorious days are never the norm or they would cease to be glorious. I know that. You know that. But we all have them from time to time. But it is rare that we have the chance to help author them for someone else. Sure, I've lost count of the number of times I've given some special lady that mindblowing pixie stick sugary sweet feeling for the first time. But there were at least a few times that the police and her parents were not amused. No, I'm talking about something almost altruistic--an instance where I could help facilitate some magical moment that was purely unselfish. Last Friday, my time had come. Last Friday, Reverend Rob was born.

This past Friday, I was given the opportunity to join two of my best friends in holy matrimony. Well, maybe not holy. Let's face it. They obviously weren't concerned about "holy" as much as they were concerned about "legal" or they would have hired an actual true man of the cloth. But in choosing me, they definitely were concerned with the concept of "fabulous". I was put on this earth to make magic happen. And since my family lineage dictates that such marital magic won't have anything to do with me personally (unless you're a believer in quantity over quality), a door had certainly opened that I was more than happy to walk through.

Now I know what at least a few of you are saying: "Rob, how can you do something so cruel as to help foster a marriage for two people?" And part of me thinks you're right. Marriage in some respects is the cruelest and most unnatural of all human institutions. How often I've looked deep into a pretty young girl's eyes and told her that I was born with too much love in my lower fun region to give it exclusively to her. Scantily clad women make me such a romantic. I sometimes am sure that marriage is the most toxic of all consumptive things--or as Mike Myers said in "Wayne's World", "Garth, marriage is punishment for shoplifting in some countries."

But I put my own sense of tender, loving idealism aside for the special day of my two great friends. Much like Batman, I decided I must assume a new identity, an alternate "ideal" in order to be the hard good superduper hero that would strike fear--I mean inspire committed bliss between two people. So I put my cape and tights on--in the form of a black suit that looks so good I want to take me home and make an honest woman out of me (What? I don't know. It was something humorously genius and narcissistic when it was in my head)--and I became...REVEREND ROB. Ah yes, did you just get tingles there? Yeah, the caps lock has that affect on most people. It's okay. Don't be ashamed at the way you love the flavor...

It was a short and lovely ceremony. I only messed up once. Even superheroes make the occasional oral error. Giggle. Many of you have asked about what I actually said during this ceremony. And you've been patient, good little boys and girls. So I'll spare you the logistical "I take thees" and "I do's" and somesuch and give you the sweet meat. Here are the parts I actually wrote:

"Love binds us and also liberates us. The greatness of marriage is found in the intimacy and trust gained through the greatest of friendships. Love is more than attraction, compatibility, and romance. The love of marriage is about something far superior. You do not need a marriage to have love. But you will need more than love for a marriage to prosper. It requires a commitment whose beauty is found in its eternal nature. It is a proclamation of the greatest of all relationships. It is about never having to apologize for who you are and what you need from one another and is equally a commitment to find what you need in one another. It is about understanding and forgiveness. It should be entered into with an understanding that you have more to learn about one another with each new day. It requires a reciprocal investment of patience and trust. There is no substitute for time and a committed and faithful marriage is a promise to give each other the time that is needed to learn and love more about the other as the days turn to weeks, weeks to months, months to years, and years to your lifetime together. (Turn to the groom) When you have great news, she should be the first person you inform. When you have bad news, she must be the first person you seek out for comfort and consolation. (Turn to the bride) The greatest parts of you should be shared with him first and foremost. Yet love in marriage will also require you to accept and embrace the individual nature and sanctity of who he is.

The ultimate unity that a great marriage requires can only be achieved by respecting the individuality, uniqueness, and independent freedom of one another. He does not belong to you. She does not belong to you. Marriage is not a form of ownership. It is, in fact, the greatest form of sharing in existence.

And now I'll share these closing thoughts: Life is filled with days you never expect. Some are great and some are most certainly not. Some days are also extremely normal and ultimately forgettable. Each of these days will present a set of challenges to both of you. Often, the world around us will look to challenge what you have built with each other. How will you combat this? Two things you must do. First, keep building. Today is not a final achievement. It is merely a first step on the road to the greatness you hope to find. Secondly, when the world around you causes you to have feelings of complacency, remember this moment, right here and now. Keep it like a secret locked in your heart that you can always uncover to remind you of the beauty you’ve found in your unity. Continue to find the new in one another. There is a stability and comfort that you will find in the routines you create. But remember that you must make the effort to challenge and discover one another on a regular basis. Otherwise, you allow for the possibility of indifference, which is the greatest enemy of love. Walk out these doors today and start running. Keep running always. And don’t let go of one another. And don’t look back. If you remember that life won’t wait, you’ll treasure all that lies ahead.

It's okay. Take a moment to dry your eyes, change pants or whatever it is you need to do.

As I said these final words, I took a moment to carefully observe the great beauty of what was happening before my very eyes. These two amazing, great people never looked as happy or as peaceful or as graceful as they looked at that instant. I was overcome with emotion. I couldn't help thinking: "God, I hope getting laid comes from this." Yeah, it was a true moment of inspiration. I saw the way they looked at each other and remembered when I had once or at least almost felt that way about someone. And I am experienced enough to know that you can never predict the future. But God, how little that mattered now. For a glorious day is signified by the peak that was this moment. I pray that they keep this in their hearts for eternity.

Afterwards, the bride intimated to me how moved she was by my words:

"Rob, that was so beautiful! Why can't you get a girl?"

Please, my dear. No such thanks needed. She certainly meant well by what she said. I got the important part and am choosing to ignore the part that makes me feel like a fraud for writing such a wedding ceremony. Besides, you should always look for the positive in what people convey to you. This was similar to a conversation I had with a girl I met at the bar this week.

Girl: Did you play this Smiths song on the jukebox?

Me: Yeah. The Smiths are greatness.

Girl: You're right. You have good taste. I don't know many straight guys who like the Smiths.

How sweet. Bitch.

Back to the wedding.

In some ways, I was as moved by this gorgeous moment of unity as the bride and groom. I didn't want to lose it myself. I wanted a clear and focused mind to truly capture how important all this was. What? Open bar? Crown and Coke. And a Shiner while you're at it. You can put it in my Reverend Rob beer mug. Best wedding party gift ever.

So yeah, by the time I'd had a few or six, I was sure that I had done something or the other. Love or happy something whatever. A great day overall. I ended up at the home of one of my lovely ladies later that evening and I couldn't help but be blanketed by the impact of all that I'd witnessed and helped create that afternoon. There was something lovely and gentle stirring within me as I sat with her. Yeah, a hopeless romantic had been reborn. We talked and laughed and enjoyed the company of one another and I was becoming reaquainted with that illusive little thing called faith.

I reached over and took her soft hand and she looked at me with those gorgeous eyes and said, "I'm not sleeping with you tonight."

Yeah.

Converse

During this past week, while two of my friends embarked on their beginning, one of my other best friends was watching her marriage end. I always hear that love is a two way street. Most of the time that expression is associated with the recognition that a full and equal partnership is needed for love to thrive. But sometimes it means that even after you've walked the long path down that street, sometimes life makes it necessary to turn around and walk back.

But I'm told that there are other streets...




Album of the Week: "Being There"

Artist: Wilco

Song Highlights: "Misunderstood", "Outtasite (Outta Mind)", "What's the World Got In Store", "Sunken Treasure", "Someone Else's Song", "Dreamer In My Dreams"





Song of the Day: "Beetlebum"

Artist: Blur

Album: Blur

Lyric of Possible Relevance:

"And when she lets me slip away
She turns me on
All my violence is gone
Nothing is wrong
I just slip away and I am gone"