Wednesday's Child OR The Girl Who Sorta Makes My Pants Go Crazy This Week

Reason 61,979 that Michael Douglas no longer deserves to live.

It is on this grand evening that features the resurrection of the divine and holy Wednesday's Child, that I come to all of you to announce that I have been away for a while doing grand things and of course trying to be sexually active in the community like a true patron of the sexual arts. Now I'm not sure what that run-on sentence is really about, but I do know that to be able to use two sexual adjectives in one sentence is what sets me apart. Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that you could easily do that, too. But may I remind you that any attempt on your part to minimize the accomplishments of a highly sexual minority makes you a racist and not at all sexual and good. The race card is mine, bitches!

So I read an article on a really left-leaning website that spoke of the evils of Wal-Mart and how they ruin communities and put Mom and Pop out on the street where they are crushed to their bloody deaths by falling prices. And if they aren't crushed to death, Mom and Pop end up arranging the Richard Petty commemorative lunchboxes sitting next to the book and magazine section which is having a huge special on the "Left Behind" series and a clearout sale on "The Purpose-Driven Life"at the Wal-Mart that tried to crush them to death so very bloody. Poor Mom and Pop. And what makes it worse is that Wal-Mart is this multi-billion gillion catillion dollar corporation with a gigantic pantload of workers and they refuse to allow them to unionize!

Well I knew that something had to be done. I went right down to Wal-Mart, got a six pack of Miller Light, came home and decided that I must take action. But as usually is the case when I begin drinking, my goals become progressively less ambitious. However, I did decide that the least I could do was extend a common courtesy for the group of people in my life who do the most to serve me. So it is with great pleasure that I announce the formation of a union for all of my Wednesday's Children, past and present! Of course they will keep this organization a bit on the down-low so that ugly women don't feel excluded and thus compelled to talk to me for any reason. But my lovely ladies decided that they didn't just want to be the Wednesday's Child Union or the Union that Makes Rob's Pants Go Crazy. No, no. My women are picked as much for their talents and creativity as they are for their looks. Ahem. So anyway, it is with this in mind that my Wednesday's Children announce the formation of their hush hush, but still powerful female organization:

The Secret Cougar OR Secret Coalition Of Unionized Girls Advocating Rob

(Great name, eh? I especially love it because it sounds like a group of sexy evil secret agents like you'd find in a James Bond movie.)

Please give me a second while I wipe away the tears. I mean, my pants have gone sorta crazy for each of these women individually. But this is so hard a case of the whole being greater than the sum of the parts. I'm off to get an entire new collection of pants, I'm so proud! I think I might look at Wal-Mart.

But why the hell am I so happy? My ladies have unionized in order to ensure protection of their rights from me. How could I be so happy? Because. This is all imaginary. Calm down. You guys take things so seriously.

So on a serious note, these girls are in desperate need of leadership and I believe that the perfect leader has emerged. She is this week's Wednesday's Child, the incomparable and long and strong and hard overdue, Catherine Zeta-Jones.

What qualifications does she have for this post? I really don't know. Here's what I know about Catherine Zeta-Jones:

1. She is hot in a way that makes anti-stalking legislation extremely necessary.
2. She makes my mind melt in such a way that I will say child-like things.
3. I want to see her naked bad.
4. She's Welsh.

Here are the things I know about the Welsh.

1. Their words contain as few vowels as possible.
2. The Welsh are from Wales.
3. Wales is in the United Kingdom.
4. Catherine Zeta-Jones is Welsh.
5. I want to see her naked bad.

Now I have no idea how this makes her qualified to take over this fictional position, but I do know that the Welshsexual or Wlsxxxxxlllllll Catherine is beautiful and lovely and deserves better than Michael Douglas. I know that her soul craves the intellectual and spirtual energy that I could provide. I would tenderly love and care for her. I would deeply examine the roots of her inner being. And in turn, she'd let me see her naked. That ability alone makes her a leader with the type of unflinching integrity that the Secret Cougar needs and deserves. Because let's face it, a great union leader is one who knows how to put management in its dirty little place...

Lost and Found in Lewisville, Texas By Way of Moscow, Idaho

I learned in such a sweet and gorgeous way this past weekend that time spent with a person can change an entire vocabulary grouping for you. These terms and numbers may have meant little to nothing to me before. And I doubt that they will mean much to most of you after seeing them, but that's not really the point. So here are my new words, numbers, and things that now are warm little objects that belong to me and a beautiful girl named Rhiannon that have achieved a level of greatness I'll never forget:

425
Nudie
Nudy (in case I spelled it wrong)
California One
Over the Rhine
Steak 'n' Shake
Americano
Mustangs
Smart Wool
Walks
Tom Waits
The Perfect Airport Farewell
Love

There's only one of you who will read this that will be able to understand the significance of these things. And that's alright. The significance of the words is found in the way that 72 hours could change me so deeply. The rest of you merely need to know that I went to Texas to see a girl from Idaho and be loved so very real and well. These aforementioned things belong to us. And I won't be able to tell any of you what it all means in the long term. The long term is the least of my concerns. I'd rather just enjoy the greatness of the glow of three beautiful days with an even more beautiful girl. I don't have answers, but that's because I don't really have questions. It was what it was. And there are no regrets. There are only those things, me, and her. I wish for all of you that I love to have this type of experience, if even for a short term. It stays with you, warms you, and eases you into all the long days ahead, so much more full of hope.

A Picture That Proves Someone Up There Is Looking Out For Me



Note the aura shining down as I drink the holy drink...










Album of the Week: "The Moon & Antarctica"

Artist: Modest Mouse

Song Highlights: "3rd Planet", "Gravity Rides Everything", "Dark Center of the Universe", "Wild Packs of Family Dogs", "Paper Thin Walls"






Song of the Day: "California One/Youth and Beauty Brigade"

Artist: The Decemberists

Album: "Castaways and Cutouts"

Lyric of Possible Relevance:

"Take a long drive with me
On California One, on California One.
And the road a-winding goes
From Golden Gate to roaring cliff-side,
And the light is softly low as our hearts become sweetly untied beneath the sun of California One."