Much like women, I have random cravings for chocolate that I can't, nor care to, explain.
I know that I'm not Jesus.
And thank God for that. I mean really, I wouldn't do anything grand or meaningful or helpful with such power. I'd just use my powers to get women like this week's Wednesday's Child, Beyonce Knowles. And I don't even want her for any reasons that are of substance. She's beautiful and chocolately and lovely and so sugar sweet sweet. I don't appreciate her for any talents she might have as an actress or a singer. I don't really like her music at all. Boy, I would make a mighty unconvincing Jesus.
I know that I'm not Jesus. But I sorta feel like Him today. There's nothing wrong with that, just so you know. I'm pretty sure the whole reason that Jesus even came to be on this earth--whether you believe in it or not isn't really the point--is so that dirty schlubs like us could find a way to relate to God just a little bit more. So I sorta feel like him today.
Many of you don't know that besides being a handsome, responsible man, I am also a graduate religion student. Well, let the reverend tell you a quick story about Jesus and you'll see where I'm going with all this.
So at the moment of His baptism by John the Baptist (what are the odds?), Jesus experienced this amazing, euphoric moment of pure energy and joy. After He came up out of the water, Jesus heard the voice of God and witnessed the Holy Spirit descending down from Heaven in the form of a dove. God told Jesus that he was the chosen one and was loved and favored, etc. Anyway, Jesus felt a true moment of clarity, beauty, and joy. This must be where the term "natural high" came from. Do any of you really want to compare any of your highs with Jesus? I know I couldn't. If I were a basketball, Jesus would be the seven foot center slapping me to half court. But I digress.
Nice little story, right? But the real key is what happened afterward. After the best day of His life. A day where he felt perfect love from the One (for all my non-religious readers, my capitalizations of God and Jesus pronouns are just the way I've always rolled) whose opinion counts most. A day where He discovered the purpose of His life. A day where He knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that He was safe in a way that no one else could ever be. What was right around the corner?
Forty days. Desert. No food. No water. The devil (who I imagine wasn't exactly what people refer to as a "glass is half full" kinda guy). Wild animals. Wilderness. Solitude. The test of all tests. Happiness at its peak, suddenly takes a plunge. A plunge into permanent misery? No, no. But a plunge that ensures a hell of a reality check. Perspective. Focus. Clarity without all the fairies and unicorns.
I know I'm not Jesus. But I sorta feel like Him today. At the end of October, I felt loved and high and warm and safe. And for the first time, I realized that I was completely over her. I was surrounded by light and hope and all that stuff we crave like I do my final smoke ever...
But I had to come back down. I had to come back home. And as I said last week, the end of October was about having a collection of moments that stood alone. They were what they were. And they gave me the gift of pushing the final doubts I had of my capacity for change out the door along with the ashes. Everything, though, comes with a price...
I finally have what I have wanted. I'm done with her. No more lingering, no more missing, no more desiring. Out of my system. Flushed. But that's the trick. Before, I had my little bit of misery to keep me company and to give me purpose. I worked hard to get that misery gone, gone, gone. And as a reward, I was offered a little slice of paradise. I went real high. And now I have to crash back down, down, down to earth so that I may discover what I truly, madly, deeply want now. I got the high of a bit of love. Now, can I endure and make myself the man necessary to make it my own on a more permanent basis? Who knows who she'll be? Who knows if she'll ever be? Who knows if my friends will ever post comments on my blog ever again? Who knows if Katie Holmes will ever break free from her captor? Who knows if I'll ever have enough pants? Who knows if I'll always look good in a suit? Who knows if I'll still have taste in music? Who knows anything about anything? All I know is that the journey will be an interesting one and that I don't have any choice. I'll be here real hard.
Album of the Week: "Funeral"
Artist: The Arcade Fire
Song Highlights: "Neighborhood #1 (Tunnels)", "Une Année Sans Lumière", "Crown of Love", "Rebellion (Lies)"
Song of the Day: "If I Could Talk I'd Tell You"Artist: The Lemonheads
Album: Car Button Cloth
Lyric of Possible Relevance:
"If I could talk I’d tell you
If I could smile I’d let you know
You are far and away
My most imaginary friend"
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11 comments:
Wow, I didn't know you were so devout, Rob. Remember those Precious Moments bibles? There was a section of kiddie questions like, "What does God think about saying bad words?" and "What does God say about hurting animals?" You know, the ridiculous ones but they're used as an index for scripture. Well, I have a question for you!
"What does God think about porn?"
(I'm expecting you to go and find a verse to field this one.)
I know how you're feeling. With the whole getting over stuff and getting excited about something better coming along. It's like a lovely breath of fresh mountain spring air. Enjoy it while it lasts.
xoxo
LH
Since you so discreetly made a comment about how no one ever makes a comment...here I am...and the first one too!!!
Damn! How the hell did that happen? I thought I was the first one and someone stole my thunder....boy my computer is slow!
I didn't realize you always had such excellent taste in music. I'm glad to see it. I think that the ability to pick out talented musicians and to know good music when you hear it, is an ability that will never disappear. So if nothing else, be comforted knowing that you will never be interested in shitty music again. Much love.
i know exactly what you mean about having your misery to keep you company, and then having.....nothing. its comforting to have someone to think about, long for, cry over...but then, you realize that there is no one, and at first, that's really hard, but then it becomes so great, because you spend your lonely moments getting to know yourself better, and before you know it, you don't ever want someone to pine after again....then you go into the red rooster and some hot guy in a che t-shirt knows a lot about good music and next thing you know, you're drinking champagne and eating pizza to celebrate your anniversary. life is funny reverend rob, and at least you have the eyes to recognize that. enjoy this time of emptiness. you get to fill it with you.
Beyonce?!?! Come on. You finally go black and you pick the most overrated "sexy/hot" girl on the planet!?! She is not unnattractive, she just tries so damn hard to be sexy that she fails in making my pants warm....
oh this is ur brother by the by...
Beyonce is NOT my first African American beauty. Aisha Tyler came before her. And Beyonce is HOT, even if I don't really like any of the stuff she does.
Hey Rev
you got more comments this week than all of last month. I just wanted you to know that you don't have good taste in music. (i'm sure by this statement you can guess who this is). And comparing yourself to Jesus? Thats what made John Lennon drop in popularity. You wouldn't want that would you. Anyway, you will find her, or she will find you. I was just discussing it the other night with someone that you and "her" were never ment to be. That you'd end up miserable forever. So you're better off. And of course I'm not telling you anything you didn't know or havn't heard 5 thousand times.
Miss you lots!!!!!!
PS my sister wants you to marry her.
I really don't know who wrote the above comment. Why can't you people just use F'ing initials? Love you.
Hey look I am reading and commenting one full week late. And I don't even have a good comment. Except that if your blog were a freshman essay, of which I have read nearly 70 this week, I would tell you that you sort of lose your theme/thesis there at the end. But then again, your ability to form coherent sentences is so far above and beyond that of my students that probably I would just make you my new student crush and ask to see you after class for "extra tutoring."
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