Caught Between a Rock and the Hardest Place

Rose McGowan is crazy. But this other girl is Kuh Ray Zee.


All of you children sit down in front of me and listen to a tale of the beginning of the winter of my discontent. And one of you pretty girls can sit on my lap. Now before you worry yourselves with the notion that this story is dark, daunting, and rife with impending doom, let me reassure you. It is merely a little blip on an otherwise stable progression of life for our hero, the brave and bold Reverend Rob. I only use the term "winter of my discontent" because it sounds really fucking cool. For this is the dark glimpse into the insanity of a girl whose mind and heart are as hard and rough as a rock. Since I shan't use her real name, I'll choose a daft rhyming word. We'll call her...Granite.

Friday, December 2nd

Our hero sits at his command center, making important higher education decisions that will forever impact the world and protect us all from impending mediocrity. Or somesuch.

An e-mail suddenly arrives! An e-mail from a girl who had long ago said goodbye to the Reverend. An enigmatic charmer from so hard and deep from the past named Granite:

Remember me? It's been years. Literally. Met at UT drama/debate camp when I was a senior in high school. Just thought I'd send this out into the world and see if it would come back. Let me know what you are doing, why don't you?
Granite

The Reverend crafts a quick reply:

Granite,

Whoa, what a trip to get an e-mail from you. How could I forget you? I never did, just so you know. I'm at work right now and don't have much time, but I'll e-mail you more later on. I'm living in Oklahoma City. Where are you? Austin, San Antonio? I can't wait to hear from you. Rev

Granite wastes no time:


Wow. I was worried that I'd sent that out to a total stranger who'd make fun of my drama camp reference. I pulled your email from out of nowhere.
I'll fill you in first, since I have all the time in the world right now. Well, I've been in Austin since I've graduated. I teach sophomore English at a south-side high school here. I'm watching as my kids take the district's version of a practice TAKS test (remember the TAAS test we took?). I am bored out of my mind--they've been doing this all week. I love, love, love them, but this year, my third year of teaching, has been hell for a lot reasons.
What are YOU doing? I totally get that you stayed over there. You were such an Okie-convert. My best friend's from Oklahoma. Wild. Are you married by now? Kids? Seriously. I recently broke up with my boyfriend; we're in the process of seperating stuff and moving him out. Awkward!
Isn't it funny that we used to write LETTERS to each other? God. How . . . something. It was sweet. I loved the things you'd say.
Why don't you call sometime? It would be great to hear from you again. (phone number)
Granite

Hmmm. Bored and just broke up with her boyfriend. The Reverend is sure he will have to question Granite's motives at some point soon. But its just great to hear from a long, lost friend, he thinks.

And what a coincidence! The Reverend will be traveling to the land of liberal Texans in a couple short weeks for another friend's wedding. How fortuitous that a great old friend has made contact! Maybe a cup of coffee or a drink together shall be in order!

Eager to hear the old friend's lovely female voice, the Reverend telephones the beautiful Granite upon his return home. A friendly and comfortable conversation of about fifteen minutes takes place and arrangements are made for a longer conversation the following Sunday.

Sunday, December 4th

Granite telephones the Reverend and a long and fruitful conversation ensues. Talk of the previous years, current status, relationships, loves, losses, music, movies, careers, aspirations, and overall good humor dominate the proceedings.

The Reverend is consumed by the feeling one gets when an old friendship is reconnected--that feeling of joy you get when you haven't spoken to someone in so long, yet have no trouble re-connecting. It is something hopeful and joyous and gorgeous.

The Reverend is touched when Granite confesses that it was silly that they had lost touch for all these years. The Reverend agreed that all this had been time wasted since the two had always had such a strong rapport. The Reverend alerted Granite to the fact that he'd be in Austin very soon.

"Well then we have to get together for a drink!", exclaimed Granite.

The Reverend replied, "Are you sure?"

And Granite reassuringly replied, "It would be a shame for you to be down here and us not see each other. That would be such a waste!"

"Agreed", the Reverend happily exclaimed.

And after over two hours, the conversation ended with hope in the air and a sense or rediscovery felt by the Reverend.

"I'll call you tomorrow. This has been too much fun."

Monday, December 5th

After a long day of work and a relaxing evening of television and gaming (those enemy agents fighting against James Bond aren't going to kill themselves, you know), the Reverend placed a call to the lovely Granite to continue their conversation from the preceeding evening. After no answer from Granite, the Reverend leaves a voicemail.

On his way to bed, the Reverend decides to check his e-mail one last time. And much to his surprise, a message from Granite appears:

Rev,

I know this is going to to sound strange and bizzare. I spent all night packing more of Justin's (the ex-boyfriend) stuff and kind of fell apart over here. I remembered why I did all of this--because Justin and I weren't totally compatible, yes--but also because I've felt the need to be totally independent for a long while. And while our conversations are interesting and fun, there's a small amount of potential in them for something I'm trying to be free of at this point. Does that make sense? I know I emailed you. I know I started this up. But, after talking to you for a couple of hours last night, I just realized that I'm doing it again. Looking for that next guy. Maybe not directly in you, but there it is. Hope you can understand this change of tack. But I need to just go to work, hang out with my friends, and not complicate things in the slightest for a while. Sorry to be such a drama queen.
Granite

Uh. Huh.

Dumbfounded, the Reverend attempts once more to reach the rockheaded Granite, but to no avail. He sends one final e-mail:

Granite, I don't have to be a "next guy". We're old friends and I'd like us to be new friends. Do you really think I have any other expectations other than that? Look, we don't even have to see each other if you don't want. That's fine. But it would be a shame to not enjoy good conversation and friendship. I'm going to try to call you again. Didn't we just discuss how dumb the reasons we stopped talking in the first place were?
Rev

A final text message arrives from Granite:

I'm fine. Just don't want to start anything new up. Ok? Seriously.

The Reverend sent a single reply:

Granite. We've talked on the phone twice. What exactly have we started up? You're overthinking. I'm sorry if I said anything to upset you. I thought we were just being friendly. I hope to hear from you again but will leave you alone. Take care of yourself.

But it was at this very moment that the Reverend had an important revelation. He hoped he NEVER heard from Granite again. The Reverend had just spent the better part of a year learning that he didn't have to deal with girls like this because there was one fact that he must always, ALWAYS remember in order to wisely pick his company:

Some bitches are fucking crazy and there's nothing you can do to change it, so fucking don't.

A calm poured out over his heart at that very moment and a wonderful sleep was sure to follow. The Reverend knew his hardest place and now knew how to keep away from it. For danger is a reality of all life's endeavours. But the stupidity that leads us into danger can be avoided if we are strong enough to recognize it.

A Sidenote Concerning Cultural/Gender Sensitivity

The other night as I sat and had dinner with two of my friends, we began discussing issues of race in America. And of course, I came to realize that my sense of cultural inclusivity was somewhat compromised because I had never had sex with a non-white girl. I explained this to my friends very carefully. I have in fact messed around with girls of almost every background, but have never, in fact, slept with anything but white girls. "Am I a fraud?" I asked.

"Geez Rob, you're gonna write this shit in your blog."

Yeah.

And to my friend KC, I guess your friends are right: I have a long, long way to go in terms of really knowing women. In fact, I'll try to get started on such a journey of cultural and gender discovery this weekend. I am nothing if not committed to the quest for knowledge. Naked.




Album of the Week: "Rubber Factory"

Artist: The Black Keys

Song Highlights: "10 A.M. Automatic", "Girl is On My Mind", "The Lengths", "Grown So Ugly"






Song of the Day: "It Ends With a Fall"

Artist: Okkervil River

Album: "Down the River of Golden Dreams"

Lyric of Possible Relevance:

"And I can’t claim to know what makes love die or grow,
but I can still take control and so refuse to just go home,
back down the hall."