The Modern Art of Getting to Know You OR The Official Rhiannon Birthday Blowout

What do Neko Case and I have in common? We both need new pants.

Technology has granted us the greatest of gifts. We no longer need to talk to people to get to know them. Why would you when you've got myspace surveys? V-I-C-T-O-R-Y!


Body:

Q: How many beds did you lay in last weekend?
A: Only the one. Now how many did I do OTHER STUFF in? Bam! Take that! I am sexually attractive to women!!! Bam!

Q: What color shirt are you wearing?
A: Who says I'm wearing one? Ha! See what I did there again? Alright, it's just white. But I could SO NOT be wearing a t-shirt or anything!

Q: Name one thing that you do everyday?
A: Breathe. Duh! What a totally lame stupidhead question. Dummy.

Q: Are you a lover or a fighter?
A: If I ask her to hit me while I'm loving her, what would my answer be? Bruises make me horny for myself.

Q: How much cash do you have on you right now?
A: None. But maybe because that's because I'm not wearing anything! Again! Bam! BAM!

Q: What was the last thing you ate?
A: A Johnny's Charcoal Broiler Bacon Cheeseburger. In my car. With your mom! Okay, just by myself but it SO could have been with your mom and there's nothing you could have done about it, Bitch!

Q: I can't wait till...?
A: Someone falls in love with me. All that stuff I said before isn't really me. It's a fictional version of me that I create to put up barriers because I fear that people won't really appreciate or accept the genuine nature of my being. But I also can't wait until I get laid again. Laying is really fun!

Q: When was the last time you saw your dad?
A: Right before wife number five became ex-wife number five. But hey, he's a ladies man! Runs in the family. Kill me?

Q: When you need some alone time where do you go?
A: Wherever she wants to! Boo-yah! Or I go into my bedroom and cry myself to sleep. Whatever.

Q: What did you have for dinner last night?
A: Spirals w/cheese. They're much better than the regular macaroni and cheese. Superpromise to God and Jesus Jesus Man.

Q: Look to your left. What's there?
A: A blank wall where the picture of your mom is going! This bit is NOT tired! Please kill me.

Q: What's the last thing you borrowed from someone?
A: I borrowed this girl's soul. I keep it in my closet in a blue box marked "Do Not Open Except In Case of Emergency." I told her she'd have it back last Thursday. Sucker.

Q: What web site(s) do you visit the most during the day?
A: www.robiskingofalltheworldandyoucankisshisassifyouarelucky.com. That, and Yahoo! Mail.

Q: Do you have plants in your room?
A : Yeah, dude. I'm high right now! Actually, it may just be my mint Chloroseptic.

Q: Does anything hurt on your body right now?
A: Yeah. My heart. Because the woman of my dreams isn't here. And that makes other parts of my body hurt real hard.

Q: When was your last taxicab ride?
A: On my 25th birthday, I rode a taxi home from a night of heavy drinking and proceeded to make love to my ex-fiancee for the last time. I've totally had sex with Satan. And it was good. Top that.

Q: Should guys wear pink?
A: With my dark complexion, I would look like a piece of shit wrapped in bubble gum. So yeah!

Q: What are you allergic to?
A: Cats. (I could SO insert a tasteless joke here, but I won't because I need to use my last shred of dignity later for something I'm sure. I think a shred of dignity works as a 2 for 1 coupon at Sonic!)

Q: Do you make a lot of mistakes?
A: Sure, but none as big as sleeping with Satan. I have a feeling that Jesus may toss that whole "hippie forgiveness" crap out the door with me.

Q: Can you snowboard?
A: No. But your mom can? I don't even know anymore.


_______Last________

1. Person you saw: The last person I remember seeing is actually the sinfully hot fiancee of my Sunday School teacher this morning. How can I be asked to focus on God and goodness when she's there, two seats from me in the big circle of Christian good good, taunting me with all her various hotnesses?

2. Hugged: I don't really know, but can it be with the Sunday School teacher's hot fiancee? I'm not kidding, guys. She is porntastic classy can still take home to my mom porny porn hot.

3. Person you shopped with: God, when is this fucking survey gonna end?

4. IM'd: My friend to tell him about how hot the Sunday School teacher's fiancee is and how I'm wrestling once again with the guilt associated with thinking these kinds of thoughts in the House of God and Jesus and Mary and Joseph.

5. Song you listened to: "Crazy About You" by Whiskeytown.

______Today________
1. What are you doing now: Thinking about how I'm actually tired of talking about myself. I know I'm super awesome and stuff. But man, this is a lot of time when I could be doing something else that's actually nothing either.

2. What are you doing tonight: Playing basketball, praying for a nice girl, then praying that she leaves her boring Sunday School teacher fiance and sees my Puerto Rican light of hope, and then watching some TV.

3. What are you going to eat for lunch: Please God let this end. No funeral...

________Tomorrow___________
1. Is: Monday and I have to wear this polo shirt that makes me feel both fat and gay. One or the other is fine, but both combine to create quite a mental hurdle.

2. Got any plans: I can't think of a humorous and/or creative way to say I'm going to work and that's it and where is all the excitement in my life and I miss Jessica who is gone for good to dirty but still cool New Orleans. What?

3. Goal: To maintain my commitment to not saying out loud 100% of what's on my mind about people. 70% will allow me to stay sane while still most likely keeping my job.

________Currently_________
1. Love someone: I love lots of people. I especially love Rhiannon who just celebrated her birthday and is still happy even though she's knocked up with a baby that ISN'T mine. I guess she's making her peace with that reality.

2. Like someone: I sorta did, but I traded her for an Italian Sub to a much more deserving man. But damn if that wasn't a really fucking great sandwich.

3. Have a boyfriend/girlfriend: Not until preacher boy is out of the way...

4. Does someone like you?: I don't know. Let me hear from ya!

5. Missing: Lots.



Album of the Week: "Fox Confessor Brings the Flood"

Artist: Neko Case

Song Highlights: "Star Witness", "Hold On, Hold On", "That Teenage Feeling", "Lion's Jaws"





Song of the Day: "Fuck Forever"

Artist: Baby Shambles

Album: "Down In Albion"

Lyric of Possible Relevance:

"So what's the use between death and glory?
I can't tell between death and glory
Happy endings, no, they never bore me
Happy endings, they still don't bore me
They, they have a way
A way to make you pay
And to make you toe the line
Sever the ties
Because I'm so clever
But clever ain't wise
And fuck forever
If you don't mind."