Rev. Rob in Oklahoma City: One Year On/A Major Award

Don't let the title mislead you. I don't look like this after one year here in Oklahoma City. I mean, I work out and all, but I'm no miracle worker. This is CJ. Think less "Wednesday's Child" and more Time Magazine's "Person of the Year"--except that she's hot and I know her and she's kinda my hero who the world has yet to fully appreciate.


Dear CJ,

I am writing to congratulate you on being named the first annual "I Don't Mind if You Forget Me" Woman of the Year. While it is true that the fact that you're easy on the eyes doesn't distinguish you too much from the other women featured in this critically acclaimed and universally hailed column, I can assure you that this honor is not bestowed upon you lightly. A little background...

I was sitting around the other day at work in the midst of saving the youth of America from educational mediocrity when I realized that I had just passed my one year mark as a resident of Oklahoma City. And while the city is undoubtedly a better place because of that fact, I couldn't help but take a moment from my general focus on others to reflect on my life.

When I moved into my apartment in Oklahoma City on June 4th, 2005, I did so with a bit of a heavy heart. While I watched my hired movers bicker and give me super dirty death looks as they carried my two heavy couches up to my third floor walk-up, I was supposed to be watching my beautiful bride walk down the aisle toward me on the happiest day of my life. And I had a fucking gorgeous tux picked out and she was wearing this beautiful dress and looking at me in such a way...God these guys smell like whiskey and feet...

For the first time in my life, I was alone. I had never lived on my own before and the only company I had was my bitterness because shit, it WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS. Sure, the legendary porn collection and an assortment of rebound girls helped, but they did not change the fact that I was in a new place, forced to face the reality of impending quality time with dear old me.

I did have friends about a half hour away in Norman, but I knew that if I was ever going to make a go of it here, I'd need to create an actual life for myself in my new home. But I only knew one person in the whole damn dirty city of Oklahoma City--you.

I know for a fact that you have no idea what you did for me. I suppose that's why I'm telling you now and bestowing this super sweet award on you. When I was alone, you and your husband Matt offered friendship. You invited me out, introduced me to MY bar, the Rooster. You introduced me to many of the people who I now cherish as good friends who probably also have no idea how much they mean to me. In short, you really saved me. Often it is the act or acts we don't give much thought to that can mean the most. Without you, I would have allowed my anger and resentment to isolate me and I would not have stayed. One new lease and a $20 per month rent increase later, and I realize that I actually have a life here. It's not perfect, but it's completely mine and I love it.

Now don't get me wrong, I have no dillusions about what an honor like this actually means to you. You are married and have political causes and dinner parties, a real job, an unexpected business to run, intelligent books to read, etc. I am merely one of the many people you know. But when I stopped to examine the last year, it became obvious that no one has had more of an impact, intended or not, than you. I've got a long way to go, but I don't sit around thinking about what I lost or what I missed out on anymore. I think about the future and the greatness that someone of my greatness and humility and genius is destined for. Of course I hope to find someone as beautiful and cool and intelligent and awesome as your husband Matt for myself someday. Hahaha. Haha? Female, female, yes of course. I want a house and dinner parties and causes, great books to read and a garden to tend to and maybe the four of us will hang out and reflect on how super hard strong and great good we are*.

Many thanks to you, CJ. You are a great friend I've missed lately. You are a great person and a truly unique and scary and bitchin' rad soul. Your certificate and stocking-wearing female leg-shaped lamp are in the mail.

Regards and giggles and regards,

Rev. Rob

*The above statements comprise 40% of the consideration given in awarding you this honor. The other 60% has to do with your looks. Rev. Rob and those he represents are committed to maintaining the shallow standards that define this column.


Rob's Super Happy Fun 27th Birthday

Saturday evening, June 17th at 9 PM (or around that time), we'll be celebrating my almost birthday! Come one, come all, just come real hard to Hawaiian Don's in Oklahoma City! Even if you can't stay long, it's no big deal. Just come have a drink and a laugh with me and then leave and remark to the person that you're with that you really don't know that drunk asshole that well anyway. I will be singing "Sweet Caroline" during karaoke if at all possible. But please, still come! My birthday is about friends, fellowship, and Hawaiian liquor drinks the size of fishbowls. But seriously, it would mean the world just to see any of you, even if only for a few minutes. I'm sure someone will remind me if you were there. Exploding high fives all around!



Song of the Day: "What's the World Got In Store"

Artist: Wilco

Album: "Being There"

Lyric of Possible Relevance:

"Close your eyes and go to sleep, baby
Take your head off your feet, Honey
Cause you've been working hard and I know you're tired
You been trying hard not to think I'm a liar
What's the world got in store?
What's the world got in store for you?
What's the world got in store for you now?"










Album of the Week: "Apologies to the Queen Mary"

Artist: Wolf Parade

Song Highlights: "Modern World", "Grounds for Divorce", "Dear Sons and Daughters of Hungry Ghosts", "This Heart's On Fire"