The DFW College Fair Circuit: Day 10

I hate stupid kids as much as I love Christina Ricci. A lot.


My therapist reads my blog. I suppose I sent her the link so she and I could have a head start on our sessions. And to show her that even though she may think I'm insane, she will be certain that I'm an insane genius. She says that my writing makes her laugh. She even once called me "Blog Captain". I call her Dr. Crazyhead. It's our thing.

I will be home on September 30th. No question about that. The only question that remains is whether or not I will be driving myself home or whether I will be coming home in a casket from the self-inflicted gunshot wound. Oh, sweet relief. Unless I'm going to hell. And while I've suspected that very possibility, I realize that it can be no worse than the barrage of stupid questions and people I've dealt with this week.

Make no mistake, I love my job. Just not this part of it. Much like being with a woman, you'll deal with all her shit if you get laid in the end. Or something like that. I'm a dick.

Dumbshit T-shirts On Dumbshit Kids

Keep in mind that these are high school dipshits, not adult dipshits. You know, to be fair.

1. "It's All Good"

No, it's really not.

2. Picture of two hands stretched far apart and the words "I Swear It's This Big"

I bet it's not.

3. "I didn't forget, I just don't care"

And neither do I. Shithead.

4. John Mayer T-shirt.

Is there one word for tasteless, gay, and crap? No, but there are two: John Mayer.

5. Def Leppard T-shirt.

I loved Def Leppard when I was a kid. Maybe I still do. This kid will go far in life.

6. "F.B.I. Female Body Inspector"

I'm thinking somethng more along the lines of "Fag Boy Idiot".

7. "Sex is only dirty if it's done right."

Wow. She's seventeen and she even asked me if we were a Christian school. Sinner.

Quicks

1. One girl told me she was going to Lubbock for school because it's "more closer". I bet she got an academic scholarship at Tech.

2. Rule of thumb, children. If you can't spell your major, you may want to re-think your major. I think you'll find it hard to run a "buisiness" or be a "physcologist".

3. And that kid who wanted to be a "physcologist" also wants to play "basebal".

4. Do you all remember when I described the phenomenon known as "baby arm"? In case you don't remember, the condition known as "baby arm" occurs when a normal-sized person has a deformed, miniature arm that looks like--you guessed it--a baby's arm. Well, this kid walked right by my table and I swore he was missing his right ear. But upon closer inspection, his ear was just really small and sort of shriveled up. Was this baby ear? I think it might have been. Baby arm and now baby ear both make me smile. And midgets. Don't forget midgets.

5. Sometimes the larger schools that are located next to you at these fairs use their alums to help them because there aren't enough staffed recruiters. Last night, Oklahoma State University further soiled themselves with the debut of this douchebag named John. He must be a salesman. He used every fake line and cheesy hand gesture at his disposal. He over smiled, over laughed, and over used the word "awesome". Anyone remember the Chotchkie's waiter, Brian, from the great movie "Office Space"? I was seriously waiting for this guy to offer these kids "some pizza shooters, shrimp poppers, or extreme fajitas." Besides being a tool, he's also a former fraternity member. But you'd never know it by the way he was high-fiving high school seniors when talking about all the keg parties they'd get to partake in during college. I am Jack's unquenchable thirst for blood.

6. This is the worst question that kids ask to college recruiters:

"Is your (insert major here) program any good?"

What do they expect us to say? Our music program is great, but yeah, our English department pretty much fucking blows.

7. There is no bigger dropkick to my crotch than when a kid wants to major in "C.S.I". You want to major in C.S.I.? Well I want to have a threesome with the Gilmore Girls. Good luck with all that.

Hellos

1. To one of my best friends and the undisputed favorite of my exes, LH, I hope you get better. Usually when people get drunk and fall off balconies, I cast a rather critical eye. But luckily, this accident was related more to poor craftsmanship than alcohol. I guess there's nothing really lucky about broken body parts, big falls, and hospital stays. Next time, drink a WHOLE lot more. Then, maybe you'll just pass out in a safer area or end up in my bed or something. No one looks out for you like I do.

2. Miss DT taught me a really cool new trick a couple weeks ago and I never thanked her. Thank you real hard. And I hope the new job is going well.

3. There's actually this one girl who is so ready for me to come home that she has purchased several food items that she wants to use in what we'll call an "un-Christian" manner on me. Well, she is Jewish. But really, I'm conflicted. Should we really be using food in such a way when there are so many starving hurricane victims? God, she's insensitive and horny. Told you I wasn't the only one.

4. To my newly married friends, I may miss you the mostest. You always let me come over and cook for me. You make me feel like the completely dependent slacker I always wanted to be. Love is fantastic.

5. To Miss Idaho, October approaches quickly...

6. KY, I hope all is well. I really don't have too much to say to you. Its just that when I get to use your initials, I giggle a little bit.

7. JSV, I hope you're able to tag everything in Ohio that you possibly can.

8. CJ, does anyone at the Rooster even notice that I'm gone? They are definitely not at their maximum happy level without me.

9. I've got nothing.




Album of the Week: "Alive and Wired"

Artist: Old 97's

Song Highlights: "Jagged", "Stoned", "Mama Tried", "Timebomb", "Oppenheimer"







Song of the Day: "Sour Girl"

Artist: Stone Temple Pilots

Album: No. 4

Lyric of Possible Relevance: "The girl got reasons. They all got reasons."