The DFW College Fair Circuit: The Merciful End

Evangeline's dirty. I'm dirty. And I love to build sandcastles real hard.



Home is where the porn is. I mean, I keep hearing that home is where the heart is. But I think my heart is right here with me, as it always has been. What I've noticed that isn't with me is my porn. My porn is at home. Therefore, home is where the porn is. I want to go home. Homesickness is so sexy.

Evangeline Lilly, along with inaugural Wednesday's Child Maggie Grace Smith, make "Lost" a series that is not only intelligent, captivating, and suspenseful, but also one that promotes self love. Evangeline's on a beach. And lost. And needs me to come find her so extremely now.

Get ready for random from me today. Texas has made my head crazy. I stayed in my old room at my old house in my old neighborhood. There is something creepy about staying in a room that has so many pictures of me under the age of seven. Some combination of nostalgia and narcissism, I suspect. There are even two finger paintings of mine on the wall. One is a big red blob that, when it was painted in 1981, was nothing more than the cutesy crap effort of a cutesy crap little kid. But I swear I've seen works of little more complexity hanging in museums of modern art. Next to my big red blob, which I've since renamed "Torment of Youth's Indiscretions in the Winter of Our Discontent--In Red", is another of my paintings. The second finger painting is apparently a self-portrait. I had no idea that I had green skin when I was a little kid. I always knew there was a chance I was the son of the Incredible Hulk.

My brother took an entire week to post this response to my last column:

Christina Ricci = Not hot.-Your brother with better taste in women.

First of all, I'd intelligently argue that he's wrong and I'm right. Take that. Dick. Secondly, anyone whose female standard of greatness is Felicity is not only misguided, but probably a little gay.

Dumbshit T-Shirts On Dumbshit Kids

1. "Easily Distracted"

Is this some sort of cool way of saying you have attention deficit disorder? You're a shithead. Oh wait, did you miss that because you're easily distracted? You're a HUGE SHITHEAD.

2. "Keep staring. I might do a trick."

I somehow suspect that I'll be staring at you and watching you mop up these floors as the school janitor in a few years. Cleaning toilets is a neat trick! Dance monkey, dance!

3. Hollister.

There's nothing inherently stupid about the word Hollister. But for some reason, I really want all the kids who wear these shirts to die real good and hard. I picture them all listening to bands like Simple Plan, watching Laguna Beach, and shopping at--well, Hollister. And somehow, to me, that represents all that is wrong with the youth of today.

4. The most uncomfortable t-shirt I've seen ever: A chalk outline of a dead body. But not just any dead body. A chalk outline of JESUS on the cross. Red blood spots where the hands would be. Cringe. And this message: "Killed in the Line of Duty"

Is there really anything I can add to this? Do the overly-religious sometimes realize that they may be closer to sacrilegious? T-shirts about Jesus shouldn't resemble military t-shirts or Metallica t-shirts. In fact, can't we just say that Jesus is above being put on t-shirts at all? And if you can't agree with that, can you at least agree that a CHALK OUTLINE OF HIS DEAD BODY ON THE CROSS may be a tad hard core?

College Fair Quicks

1. If modeling schools are going to come to college and career fairs, the least they can do is send a representative who doesn't have severe horseface.

2. Dumbest and most confusing question I've received thus far: "What is your success rate?"

Me: I'm sorry, could you say that again?

Short Bus Girl: What is your success rate?

Me: (Total failed smile) Could you be more specific?

Short Bus Girl: Like, how many of your graduates get the first choice job they want?

Me: (Thinking this girl is the biggest idiot I've seen in the last five minutes) Well, we don't really have a statistic like that since students go in various directions after they get out of school. Some go to graduate school. Some students go to work. But we really don't ask them if the job they end up getting was their first choice.

Short Bus Girl: So you're saying you don't know?

KILL ME NOW. NOW.


3. Hey kid, no one says you have to fill out the religious preference line on the information card. Besides, it is my belief that if you write down that you're "Cathlic", you shouldn't be. In fact, you might be going to hail to meet Saytan.


The Road Home...

...will take me through what is often known as the armpit of Texas, Witchita Falls. One more fair and I'll be home. For those of you in Oklahoma whose lives have been a shadow of their former selves without me, your prince is making his triumphant return home. I have a feeling that you've all missed my bright light sunshine of hope in your daily lives. Now I must go get ready for work and contemplate the bright side of death. Love you lots! B.F.F.!


Album of the Week: "Jacksonville City Nights"

Artist: Ryan Adams

Song Highlights: "A Kiss Before I Go", "The End", "Dear John", "The Hardest Part", "Silver Bullets", "PA"








Song of the Day: "Sympathetic Noose"

Artist: Black Rebel Motorcycle Club

Album: Howl

Lyric of Possible Relevance:

"I gotta feeling in my boots,
I gotta make some sense of you,
'Cos I don't know how to be careful,
Yeah I don't know how to be there for,
I gotta feeling I can't prove,
I gotta sympathetic noose,
'Cos I don't know how you're grateful,
Yeah I don't know how to be thankful,
You gotta keep your head up,
You gotta let yourself get through,
All you ever dream,
Makes you want to hide,
Least all your expectations,
Feel the hole inside."