Keeping My Pants In Order

The depth of my heart goes beyond mere words.


I spent this evening watching hockey and knew that I'd get on here and talk about love. And women. And romance. Sex, weddings, blah, blah, blah. I have found the same pants that go crazy for hockey go crazy for the ladies, too. It makes me wonder if watching guys playing hockey turns me on, and if so, is that gay? Eh. Probably.

So this past weekend I went to another wedding. But this time, I wasn't a groomsman, a best man, or even Reverend Rob. No, no. I was just fair to spare guy at the wedding drinking endless rum and cokes, eating wedding cake, singing a drunken karaoke version of Neil Diamond's "Sweet Caroline" and other somesuch. I shook my sweet Latino ass for all in attendence and felt so alive and dead all at the same time. Weddings bring out the best and worst in me.

But fear not, my children. Your fair sage of the wedding and college fair circuit left with a nice warm feeling in the depth of his little Puerto heart. And only 40% of that was the Bacardi. You see, being involved with weddings so much lately didn't really give me the chance to truly observe and mock and contemplate at what I would argue is a necessary level for a true romantic like me. I always had something to do. I was paying attention to where I was standing or where I was walking or what I had to say. But this time, with a couple stiff drinks in me, I got to take it all in. And I concluded a few things:

1. While weddings are ridiculous in general (except the ones I preside over), marriage is actually a beautiful thing. The infamous JG e-mailed me today to let me know that she and her new (and I mean new) fiancee would be getting married at the courthouse. Simple. Efficient. To the point. The point being that it is a moment about the two people involved. Beautiful.

2. I look really great in a suit. Wait, I've probably said that before but I really can't stress this enough.

3. I will get married someday. Everything else in my life has gone wrong. I might as well put the cherry on top. And hell, if family history is any indicator, I'll have lots of cherries at my disposal. That wasn't supposed to sound dirty.

4. I've always been able to imagine or project potential future events in my life. But as I watched that wedding, it occured to me that I never once actually pictured my wedding ceremony with my ex. That may seem like a small thing. Or maybe I've overrated my own imagination (But who among you believes that?). Seriously though, that realization didn't sadden me in the least. Exactly the opposite. I realized that if I couldn't even imagine that, I was never really getting there. And for some reason, I left the wedding that night with a peace I haven't had in a long time. I didn't miss out on my destiny. I didn't fuck it all up. My future is on its way. Women are overrated in terms of being gauges for personal success for a man.

So anyway, women are SO underrated in terms of their greatness. Now that I'm free of the bullshit of the past (or at least feel like I'm ALMOST there), I think I can appreciate the positive side of being the hopeless romantic that I am. I am so confused and horny.

Ha ha ha ha! Ha! Who knows what I'm really thinking? You guys certainly don't. But what I can tell you is most of the above is true. Except for what isn't. I'm slowly but surely finding reasons to be happy again. And a big part of that has been from the contributions of my friends. Your support will undoubtedly be forgotten as soon as it is convenient for me. But just remember that I love you. Right now. I guess.

Dumbshit T-Shirts on Dumbshit Kids: The Final Chapter

Best movie title ever?

This list comes from my final list and the final list of many of my distinguished colleagues in the happy fun good game of college recruiting.

1. "Jesus Got 'R Done"

My God. I bet the white trash who wear shirts like this really think that God looks like Dale Earnhardt Jr.

2. Ironic and racist? There was this girl wearing a Rice University t-shirt. Nothing strange about that, right? Well, the t-shirt said "Got Rice?" (a la the "Got Milk?" ads). Still, nothing too weird. Except that the girl wearing the shirt was Asian. Subtle. But the girl who told me this story made me giggle a little bit. Context is everyhing. Luckily I can't be a racist so I can laugh at this.

3. "New Mexico. Cleaner than real Mexico."

Super duper uncomfortable guilt-filled giggle.

4. "Double 'D' = Double Trouble."

See #1. Except replace Dale Earnhardt Jr. with Kid Rock.

5. "Plays well with 'D' cups."

See # 4 and insert whatever white trash icon you'd like.

6. "Yo! Juicy."

I have no explanation for this shit.

7. "He was great last night. Whoever he was."

Yeah, this was a student who was with her parents. She'll fit in well. At Whore College.

8. "Flirtologist"

If this is a career aspiration, I suppose it's a better one than wanting to become a physocologist.

9. "Who needs a boyfriend anyway? I'm on my honeymoon with Jesus."

I have absolutely nothing that I can add. Just read it again and take it all in.


Hockey is Back For F'in Hosers Like Me



My aforementioned hockey pants were going absolutely apeshit tonight as one of the great loves of my life returned. I've missed hockey so damned much. Hell, the lockout lasted so long, I was still getting laid by my fiancee the last time hockey was being played in the NHL. Well, much has changed in my life. But my love for the great sport of hockey, much like my love of female college "experimentation", has not waned. More specifically, my Dallas Stars did not disappoint tonight. They got down 4-0 after one period. Five unanswered goals later, and I need new pants.

Links

Check out some new links I posted. You'll know they're new because the new ones are marked "NEW!". Ingenius, I know. For my less disturbed friends, there's also an explanation of what the hell that picture at the beginning of my column is all about. Prepare to be shocked. Real hard.

OU-Texas

This is the longest week as I wait for Oklahoma and Texas to play their annual football blood feud. Pictured to the right is a man named Adrian Peterson. I simply call him "The Greatness". He certainly was last year against Texas. I truly hope he kickstarts my football pants once again. I have so many sports pants. The best part about this game is that if OU wins, I'll drink like crazy. If OU loses, I'll drink like crazy. I love it when everyone wins. Fuck Texas and pass the tequila. Or rum. I'm all about getting more in touch with my heritage.






Album of the Week: "Gimme Fiction"

Artist: Spoon

Song Highlights: "The Beast and Dragon Adored", "The Two Sides of Monsieur Valentine", "I Turn My Camera On", "My Mathematical Mind", "I Summon You"

Song of the Day: "Away"

Artist: Toadies

Album: Rubberneck

Lyric of Possible Relevance:

"You say forever

And I confess I shiver

You say hope

I say that's where I'm goin' "