Wednesday's Child: Thanksgiving Happy Extreme Home Makeover Good Edition

I found a more conservative picture of Charlize Theron that I could have used. But during Thanksgiving, I am so thankful for my liberal principles.


Me: What are the chances of a guy like you and a girl like me...ending up together?

Charlize: Not good.

Me: You mean not good like one out of a hundred?

Charlize: I'd say more like one in a million.

Me: So you're telling me there's a chance? Yeah! I read ya.


And now boys and girls, I return with such gorgeous fury and goody good at a time when my passion for life is running so very high. It is Thanksgiving or Thanksgiving Eve or whatever. This has become my favorite holiday. While women may have stolen the heart and sensitivity necessary to have the Christmas Spirit, they never got their grubby paws on my appetite for ridiculous amounts of food. I may not have dignity, passion, love, or companionship. But I've got pecan pie like you wouldn't believe. Rob-1, Vampire Bitches-0!

Oh children, ignore that. I'm only like 65% serious about all that. In fact, I am thankful for so much and much that you wouldn't believe! I won't list it all because I don't have the time because I keep scrolling back to the top to look at this week's Wednesday's Child, Charlize Theron. God that picture is a pure pants destroyer. But I picked Charlize in large part due to one of the things about me I am truly thankful for--my cultural awareness! I picked her because as an enlightened individual, I love and embrace all of the diversity of God's creatures. Born in South Africa and now a U.S. citizen, Charlize represents my second consecutive African American selection for Wednesday's Child. I just keep looking deeper and am satisfied so hard with my own sense of cultural inclusivity.

Me and this girl I know or slept with or something have our own little jargon that we use. One of our very special terms is "C of C" which to me always represented the College of Charleston because I watched too much ESPN growing up. But she taught me that this actually represents "Crisis of Confidence". And when I'm feeling this way, I should text message her with "C of C" and she'd send me a reassuring message back my way or naked pictures or something. Yet sometimes even that's not enough.

I am twenty-six years old and in the two weeks since I last wrote something on here, I found out that two more of my friends are getting married. And while I don't necessarily have this gigantic desire to get married anytime soon, I find myself having trouble being as happy for them as I'd like. I think that this is for two possible reasons:

1. Deep down, while I may not want to get married, I do want someone to love who loves me back. I want a partner in the journey of life who can help my soul fulfill its potential in a world of such darkness and depth. I want a woman who will inspire me to be better than I am and who will hold me when I feel lost in this world.

OR

2. I am lamenting the loss of yet another "female friend" who I haven't had the opportunity to sleep with once or again.

I am a deep and complex person. My emotions are a tough puzzle to crack.

Anyway, leave it to my best friend to offer the kind of reassurance that makes me think to myself, "Eureka!". But I only thought it because to say "Eureka" out loud is SO gay. We had a long conversation about my "C of C" and this is the reassurance he gave me in his own words:

"Man you just have to remember, there are over six billion people on this planet, all different and all with something to offer. I have seen at least a thousand people fuck for money on porno, all of which also at least seem to enjoy it and many who are famous for it. I haven't ever met a single one of them. I haven't seen them on the street or known anyone who has or even heard of stories about someone who has. Thus I have to conclude that if there are women who love to fuck on film for money and countless men's joy there has to be one for me and so that means there's one for you!"

He actually referred to this line of thinking as "pornological". I refer to it as genius. Why did I waste all that money on therapists and lawyers to fight mostly bogus statutory rape charges when this kind of hope was out there waiting for me to find it? It must truly be Thanksgiving. For I am thankful this day for a little thing called hope.

And if that turns out to all be bullshit, I found out this past weekend that there's this third year law student who is about to be quite wealthy who wants me real bad. It may not be love, but at least I can find consolation in finally being the trophy husband I always knew I could be.

Thanksgiving Thanks or Somesuch

I just wanted to thank all of my faithful readers who posted an absolute PANTLOAD of comments a couple weeks ago. It proves that I have truly great friends and that shameless lobbying actually does work! So I'm looking forward to your attempt at breaking the record. My heart is so full.


Album of the Week: "Keep It Like a Secret"

Artist: Built to Spill

Song Highlights: "The Plan", "Carry the Zero", "Bad Light", "Time Trap", "You Were Right"









Song of the Day: "The View"

Artist: Modest Mouse

Album: "Good News For People Who Like Bad News"

Lyric of Possible Relevance:

"As life gets longer, awful feels softer.
Well it feels pretty soft to me.
And if it takes shit to make bliss, then I feel pretty blissfully."