The face of evil? Or just a deadbeat dad?




I get some very interesting ideas in the shower. I didn't say that they were all good or Christian or groundbreaking. They're interesting. Today, as I took my morning shower, I thought that being topical would serve my Wednesday's Child column well.

So welcome to a special Wednesday's Child: Super Duper Special Strong Great Star Wars Episode III Special Edition.

If every other news organization is going to default to Star Wars Episode III because they've decided that covering topics that require so much effort like the war in Iraq (I think that's actually still going on), social security reform, judicial confirmations, United Nations scandal, blah, blah, blah, I'd like to follow suit. And yes, I do consider myself a "news organization" because I'm cocky like that. And because my journalistic ethics either meet or exceed the status quo.

So in the spirit of crass, opportunistic commercialism, I salute this week's Wednesday's Child, the very hot and extremely Jedisexual, Keira Knightley. While Keira is best known for turns in movies like "Bend It Like Beckham", "Pirates of the Caribbean", "Love, Actually" and "King Arthur", I must admit I'm intrigued by two of her other lesser known movies I found on IMDB: One is a film I saw recently entitled "The Hole" and is a very strange British psychological thriller that combines the elements of greed, hedonism, and claustrophobia into a single freaky movie. The other is a film she did called "Thunderpants". Yeah.

"But Rob", you're saying. "Keira Knightley isn't in any of the Star Wars movies. Dumbass."

Am I? Am I really? Yeah, I realize that Keira Knightley isn't in any of the Star Wars movies and she's certainly not in Episode III. Dill. But she SHOULD be. The one hot girl in Episode III is Natalie Portman (a future WC to be sure) and I've been told she's all ruined up by PREGNANCY! I don't have to see this movie to understand why Anakin Skywalker got all evil and shit. I think it went something like this:

Anakin: I'm supposed to be a Jedi and I wasn't supposed to get married. And what did I do? I made the mistake of getting married AND knocking up my formerly hot wife. How the hell do I get out of this?

The Emperor: So what you're saying is you'd like to keep all your fun powers without the burden of moral responsibility? Have you heard of this new program called "The Dark Side"?

Anakin: No! Tell me more!

The Emperor: Long story short, you get to be all-powerful while embracing the fun of greed. All of this without the burden of a wife and kids. You could use your power to get any chick you want. Maybe someone like Keira Knightley...

Anakin: Keira Knightley is f''ing hot. But hey, this is just my wife's first pregnancy. It's just one kid.

The Emperor: Actually, she's having twins.

Anakin: Where do I sign?


Now don't get me wrong, I'm sure I'll go see all two and half hours of bad dialogue and kick-ass surround sound and digital effects, but it sounds like I can sum up Episode III for you in about fifteen seconds: I'm good, I'm in love, I get married, she gets pregnant, I'm bitter, I'm evil, I'm gone, I take over the universe with my evil power.

If that doesn't sound like a life plan, I don't know what does.

A hot, non-pregnant Keira Knightley might just have saved the universe from chaos and destruction at the hands of Darth Vader. But that wouldn't have been nearly as interesting, if not more visually appealing. Who knew the story of a deadbeat dad would become the cultural phenomenon that it is today?

And thus concludes another highly sexual Wednesday's Child. All I can say is that I'd like to see Keira's dark side while my force is with her...

So Yeah, My Page Looks Different

One questionably cool addition to my best ever page is a "Links" section. I'll be putting some highly necessary for mine and your existence links over there. Want to know more about Rob's pretentious musical taste? Check out the bands and artists on All Music Guide. Need to know the name of the movie "that guy" was in last year? Check out IMDB or the highly underrated All Movie Guide. Want to check out the evil emperor who seduced me into the ways of the "dark side"? Go to Gordon Keith.

Song of the Day: "Boll Weevil"

Artist: The White Stripes

Album: Live at the Orpheum, Boston (unreleased)

Lyric of Possible Relevance: "Well if anybody asks you people, 'Who sang you this song?' You tell him its Jackie White. He's done been here and gone. He's looking for a home, he's looking for a home."