Didn't I See This On a Van Halen Video?

I know of at least one 14-year old kid who is smiling today:

http://www.tampabays10.com/news/news.aspx?storyid=11909


I'm sure that in some teary-eyed exchange between a defense attorney and the kid's mother, we'll hear about how a young man has been irreparably damaged. We'll hear how he was "molested", "violated", "abused", etc. And you won't see a picture of him, mind you. Sure, you'll hear about he's protected at his young age by privacy laws. But that's not the REAL reason, is it? The reason we will never see his face is because HE is guilty.

What's that all about, you ask? What's that supposed to mean, you say? How is the boy guilty, he's the victim! It's simple folks. It is easy for us to be outraged when the male softball coach gets caught with his hand in the proverbial cookie jar of adolescent indulgence. We decry a sick fuck like that, and rightly so. But when the roles are reversed? Oh well, we say all the right things. We say how sick and twisted the female in a case like that is. We call her a slut and a predator and she is most likely both of those things. But in the back of all of our minds, especially in heterosexual male minds, we are thinking a few things about the kid:

1. So was the teacher hot? (If the answer is yes, go to number 2. If the answer is no, we feel sorry that the kid was outed for doing it with someone ugly.)
2. Lucky bastard.
3. If the woman is married, when thinking of her husband, we all think, "Poor Bastard."
4. We pray real hard that we're never that poor bastard.

There is nothing that tests a man's confidence more than being cheated on. As a man, I hope that if I'm ever cheated on by my girlfriend, it's with another girl. At least then I could say that there was nothing I could do. She was born that way. I can get over it. If it's not that, the next most desirable thing would be for her to be cheating on me with a guy twenty years older. Then I could say she has "daddy issues" and if the guy's rich, I can just call her a gold-digging whore and be done with it. But PLEASE, let me never be so damned as to have her cheat on me with a kid without a driver's license. There's no way I can talk myself into feeling better about that. No amount of porn, lap dances, or God forbid prostitutes could cure a man of having that mushroom cloud of destruction dropped on his world. Truly, the only person in that scenario who comes up roses is the kid.

And that, my friends is why I say you'll never see a picture of this kid anytime soon. He's guilty and he knows it. And he knows he might somehow convey it in a photograph. A tiny smirk here, a glint in the eye there. All men in the world (outside of the poor bastard husband of the female sexual predator SIDENOTE: the term "female sexual predator" sort of does something for me) can't help but tip our hats to the kid. Because we all know we would have done it, too. We all know that no matter how successful our lives may be, no matter how much we score, or no matter how much we love our wife, that that kid will forever be in an exclusive class that makes Heisman Winners look like the People's Republic of China. He is guilty. Guilty of being hot for teacher. Would he take it back? Hell no. He'll plead "no contest" and be on his way. It is truly the walk of kings.