This Just In: We're All Going to Hell

Day by day, I lose hope. I mean, I love you guys but you should all know me well enough to know that I can't offer you any sort of glimmer of a bright future. I can merely be the voice of reason in a world of bad, bad taste.

If popular culture is a reflection of the soul of society, I'd say that at best we're soulless and at worst we're Carson Daly.

On to the fun. Here are ten real entertainment headlines that have me convinced we are all going to burn, burn, burn...


10. "Mel Gibson: Ready to leave his heartthrob days behind"

Two things. They were left behind about ten years ago. And where I come from, a heartthrob is a sign that you should call a doctor, not a term for a spare, overrated actor.

9. "Justin Timberlake to portray Elton John in movie"

Well, they found someone who has the latent homosexuality thing down.

8. "Fred Durst sues over stolen X-rated sex video"

Yeah. He wouldn't want the world finding out he's untalented in multiple genres.

7. "Kirstie Alley: I am a fat actress"

Yep.

6. "Ozzy Osbourne grabs Kelly Osbourne's breast"

Ozzy was a drunk old man. Now he's a drunk dirty old man. Oh, the British are quaint.

5. "Halle Berry desperate for faithful lover"

Isn't this sort of like Bill Gates lobbying for a home loan?

4. "Backstreet Boys are back"

This is what I get for trying to hire a "bargain" contract killer.

3. "Penelope Cruz bans media from covering her love life"

And in related news, I'm banning the government from collecting my taxes."

2. "I've had a tough year: Ashlee Simpson"

I wish I could get paid millions of dollars to be a no-talent hack. Cry me a fucking river.

1. "Did he have sex in an elevator with Scarlett Johansson?"

Not yet, but I'm working on it.


Song of the Day: "Oppenheimer"
Artist: Old 97's
Album: Fight Songs
Lyric of Possible Relevance: "Me and this girl we've been working it out. We've got a long way to go, we've got a long way to go."