Jungle Fever, Stage 2.


After a series of more conservative photos featured in recent Wednesday's Child segments, I decided that my eyes, as well as the eyes of my male readers (as well as some of my super cool female ones), were once again ready to be fed with eye candy deserving of our collective great taste. So while I'll never pass on Skittles, I am long overdue for some chocolate.

And since I'm bound to tempt the ire of a certain California girl who is both foxy and judgemental of my discriminating perversion, I am once again seeking to find that line of compromise that allows me to be both horny and sensitive all at once. And isn't that a combination we can all get behind?

With that, I proudly present to you a true pioneer of sexual hotness and tasty brilliance, this week's W.C.O.T.G.W.S.M.M.P.G.C.T.W., the extremely choice and pants-destryoing Nubian beauty, Aisha Tyler. She is the first African American goddess to grace the Wednesday's Child column and her recognition was so long overdue.

As a man who has never feared unleashing his charm upon the ladies (tee hee), I must admit that the beautiful black women of this world have always intimidated me so hard. Aisha is certainly no exception. Besides being a bona fide sex panther, Aisha is also a bona (if I use that word again in reference to Aisha, I may forget myself) fide Dartmouth graduate in political science. Take that, Brie! She is also extremely funny and has shown off her comic talents as the host of the highly underrated "Talk Soup" and the sleazy but unquestionably fun dating show "The Fifth Wheel". She has also had brilliantly comic guest starring turns in shows like "Friends" and one of my desert island top five, "Curb Your Enthusiasm". Most recently, she played a sultry and vindictive traitor in a recurring role on the Fox series "24". Mean girls are hot. Mean black girls are a sexual inferno of greatness.

But Aisha is a true renaissance woman. Besides being a talented actress, comedian, and academic, Aisha is also a musician who was in a blues band in college and loves the music of Stevie Ray Vaughn (another in the long line of great musicians doomed to airborne death) and the Doobie Brothers. Aisha is the kind of woman I may only be capable of having on my little section of heaven known as "I Don't Mind if You Forget Me". Like all non-black men, there is always a fear of being sexually subpar in the eyes of the goddess-like black woman. But if there's anyone who'd be happy to help Aisha expand her horizons (do we know if she's been with a half white, half Puerto Rican before? God, let me be the one!), it is Yours Truly.

With that, I blissfully conclude so very, very hard this week's Wednesday's Child OR The Girl Who Sorta Makes My Pants Go Crazy This Week, Aisha Tyler. And just so all of you know, you're not allowed to have a problem with my highly sexual choice. Because if you do, you're just a sad and jealous racist. Because this column isn't just about sex and hot girls and humor and sex and boastfulness and cheap jokes and sex, it's about bringing this highly diverse society a little closer. Aisha, please oh please come closer. I just want a better world... With you... Naked.

Football (not soccer) Note That Only I Will Get But That I Want To Mention

Everton 1, Manchester United, 0. Everton striker Duncan Ferguson's header in the 54th minute proves to be the match-winner. And who says there's no place in this world for large, ill-tempered Scots?

A Thank You, a Shameless Plug, and Some Pleading For More, More, More...

I just wanted to thank all of you who have contributed questions for my upcoming new funny bit, Ask an Asshole With a Big Brain and a Big Heart For Advice On How You Should Live So That You Will Be a Better Person So Strong and Good Forever. Some of the questions thus far have been good. Some, not so much. But the feedback has been good and in the words of Billy Idol, I want "more, more, more"! I love you.

Song of the Day: "Black Girls"

Artist: Violent Femmes

Album: Hallowed Ground

Lyric of Possible Relevance: "I dig the black girls, oh so much more than the white girls. I was so pleased to learn they were faster. C'est, c'est, c'est vous I'm after."