The Misallied, The Bits of Austin, and Buenos Aires

mis·al·ly ( P ) Pronunciation Key (ms-l)tr.v. mis·al·lied, mis·al·ly·ing, mis·al·lies
To ally inappropriately.


Colin Meloy, the lead singer of one of my very favorite bands The Decemberists, loves to use big words. Here's a man who is a great musician, poet, and Scrabble player. He doesn't hesitate to resort to the high-brow Morrissey-esque word if it adds something beautiful to his work. Now most of the time, fans like me are able to enjoy the song and the music, even if we don't know all the words or even understand them. I mean hell, how many of us butchered the words to "Pour Some Sugar On Me" when we were kids? Def Leppard rocks my ass.

Let me set the scene. Emo's. Austin, Texas. Outside stage. The Decemberists had just completed their beautiful ballad "Leslie Anne Levine" (yes, my life is one consistently creepy fuck of one ironic episode after another). They were messing with their instruments in between songs and an inquiring mind who had earlier pushed his ugly indie ass in front of me yelled out a question to Mr. Meloy that may stick out in my head for eternity:

Stupid emo indie dipshit: "Hey, Colin! What does messaline mean?"
Colin Meloy: (A huge smile stretching across his face) "Do you mean misallied?"
Stupid emo indie dipshit: "Yeah, I wanted to know what it meant!"
Colin Meloy: (Now with a face that says he was hoping no one would ever figure out that he's making up words) "Misallied means 'wrongly or unfortunately paired'. Wow, you can't say you came to a Decemberists concert and didn't learn anything."

I couldn't say it any better. As I looked at the back of my ex's head, I realized that we had truly been "misallied". I've spent the last three days, much of that time in a car, with the former love of my life, mother of my unborn children, one and only someone, girl of my dreams, pain in my ass, destroyer of dreams, breaker of hearts, frigid and cold, bitchy beyond acceptable standards ex-fiancee, ex-girlfriend, and possibly ex-friend, LF. It took 72 hours to learn a lesson sent from God that I somehow couldn't learn in three years. For all the good I was reminded of this weekend and all the beautiful smiles, and her sense of humor, and her body I know so well, I was equally reminded of why I made the right decision. Because for all the fate we create between ourselves and that special someone and for all those titles and terms we shared, she and I were simply misallied. Today I woke up with true closure. If she and I ever end up friends, it won't be for a while and it will only be when I'm less tired of her sorry and tired act. She has a new toy now--and its name is Justin.

All you need to know is that what Chris Rock said to you gentleman is true. You DO know the next man who will be fucking your girlfriend. He's the "friend" who "if he was a girl, you wouldn't be so suspicious". He has drinks with you, he hangs out with the two of you, he's a "good buddy". And hey, "don't worry because I think of him like a brother". Well, if he thinks of her like a sister, then he's ready for Jerry Springer real hard. My ex is completely intrigued by this guy. And why not? He is a functioning (somewhat) alcoholic who likes to set shit on fire, jump off people's roofs, walk long distances in the rain for no reason, and who would rather text message than talk on the phone. Someone you'd want to have a drink with or party with? Fuck, yeah. Guy you thought would eventually replace you? Not so much...

He's the walking stereotype of the conflicted, messed up, reckless, self-destructive guy who "keeps people at an arm's length"--except for your girlfriend. Because hey, only "she understands me" and she says "they have a connection". But don't let me lead you into thinking he's not smart. The man isn't just smart. He's a genius and I'd sort of admire him if it wasn't my ex he was taking. He does that thing (which I have totally done and I believe it was how I got my ex in the first place) where he feigns that whole "I won't let people into my world or into my life" bit to the point where you have the girl begging to get in. He used to surface once every few months, for which she'd drop everything to see him. Then, as he conveniently began having problems with his live-in girlfriend, he suddenly wanted to spend every day with my ex. But the conflicted, messed up, reckless, self-destructive bit that he's doing is just enough that she can't help but not talk to him. Because you never know. "He might just disappear again or hurt himself or do something crazy and I can help him." He's a genius and if this bit has become her bit, then I totally endorse him finally having her for his own. My fault lay in the fact that I ended my similar bit a little too soon. No wonder she lost interest. I think I'll go shoot myself in the leg or drive four-wheelers drunk. It seems to work for him. Yeah, Ladies, I'm waiting for your call.

So do I sound bitter enough? Well you must forgive me, but the ride home was sort of rough. Did I happen to mention that Justin was on the trip with us? No, he wasn't physically there, but he might as well have been. As part of my own funny bit (a new car game, if you will), I decided to start keeping track of the text messages they exchanged over the 72 hour trip. Over 125. And those are just the ones I witnessed.

"125? Really, Rob? Why wouldn't they just talk on the phone?," you ask?

"Because Justin and I don't talk on the phone."

"Come again?"

"We're not good on the phone."

"Uh huh."

Isn't it cute when couples have funny bits they do together? Apparently they couldn't stand being away from each other for one weekend, so Justin just HAD to be there in some capacity. Shit, if he had actually been there I would have at least been entertained by his monkey-boy antics and tales of military mayhem (he's a Marine reserve). Instead, I just got my ex ignoring me during the last day of the trip--without all of the usual Justin entertainment. I'm so happy that the breakup isn't causing anything crazy like an improved friendship or improved communication to take hold. Boy, would that be fucking awkward.

Me: "You doing alright? You sure are quiet."
Her: "I'm just tired (as she text messages furiously and doesn't make eye contact)."

Yeah, she's got nothing to say to me. I'm just the one providing the transportation this weekend. I should have asked Justin to contribute some fucking gas money. Luckily, she wasn't bored on the ride home. She had someone else in the car to amuse her.

Misallied. Nothing more, nothing less.

Now, on to some funny bits and hopeful news...

Best Billboard I Saw On My Trek Through Texas

You guys know those public service public service ads you see on billboards on the interstates that say things like, "Driving drunk? You can't afford it." or "Drink. Drive. Go to jail"? Well, a Texas lawyer proved herself to be both funny and scummy. Here was her bold advertising slogan:

" 'Drink. Drive. Go to Jail: Another government lie."

Hey, lawyers may be soulless. But if they're funny, even I might high five 'em. Funniest shit of the weekend. Everyone in the car laughed. Except Leslie. She was typing a text message.

10 Observations of My Super Fun Happy Pants Texas Trip

1. While one relationship has ended, my love affair with smoking has heated up. God bless you, Joe Camel. Mom, if you're reading this, I'm sorry. Can I just blame it on a girl?

2. There is nothing more life-draining than going to an all ages show. Kids shouldn't be allowed to go to concerts. Unless I get to kick them around for entertainment. On the bright side, I was taller than everyone so I had no problems seeing anything. This one little bitch was complaining about me smoking behind her. I thought to myself, "You don't even have a driver's license you little whore. Why don't you go to the back of the club and find your mom and go fucking home and stop sparing everyone to death with your bitching? Bitch." But that's just what I was thinking. I didn't actually say that. I did the mature thing instead. I offered smokes to the people around her and lit their cigarettes for them.

3. I went to Houston believing it was a toilet. I left Houston KNOWING it was a toilet.

4. My brother is cooler than me and it's really starting to get on my last nerve.

5. This blog entry is way too long and I fear that you've stopped reading by now.

6. Wait, I'm pretty fucking funny. Of course they're still reading. Ha! If you're reading this then I am right--which is something else I'm pretty damned good at. Bitch.

7. I really need to work on my gigantic ego that, while well deserved and not nearly as big as it probably merits, can be a bit off-putting to my friends who, if they can't take a joke, really aren't as great as to merit my company. But yeah, I need to work on that. I am so impressed with my humility right now.

8. When my brakes went out on my car this weekend, I was lucky enough to roll into a Sears Auto Center where I was treated with the indifference and lack of attention to detail that characterizes a company that has recently had to file for bankruptcy.

9. Lone Star Beer isn't typically sold outside of Texas. I drank it this weekend and found out why. Malt, barley, hops, and urine, chilled to my delight.

10. There are no cooler residents in this country than the people of Austin, Texas. Just ask them.

Super Important Super Good Hard Announcement

I am taking my honeymoon money and going to Argentina. In terms of the aftermath of my super duper failed relationship, it's important to me to have new and positive things to focus on. Buenos Aires will give me the opportunity to make fun of an entirely new nation of people. Now if that's not expanding my horizons, I don't know what is. Just kidding, Jess. Much more on the Argentina trip to come...


I have now defeated each of you sufficiently. If this entry has seemed long and unfocused, it's not my fault. I can't get that fucking beeping Motorola text message tone out of my head.

Song of the Day: "Dead Faces"
Artist: Okkervill River
Album: Down the River of Golden Dreams
Lyric of Possible Relevance: "And everyone's looking--at least, it's nice to believe that everyone's looking."