Thieves Can Suck It

I may or may not be watching The Karate Kid right now. I learned all of my life lessons from this movie.

Here are 7:
1. A real man fights his own fights--unless he has a tiny ass-kicking handyman who can fight for him.
2. Fear does not exist in this dojo.
3. Movies truly are fiction. Because a girl like Elizabeth Shue would never go for a guy like Ralph Macchio in the real world.
4. Bonzai trees are the second coolest plants ever.
5. Apparently, if you slap your hands together and start rubbing them together real fast, you can become a magical healer of everything.
6. Fighting is the last resort--unless you can crane kick Johnny in the face.
7. Asians always know more than you do.

Story On How I Got Robbed Today

So let me tell you a story on how I got robbed today. The president of the university where I work decided it would be a great idea to take a picture of every student, faculty, and staff member in one big group to commemorate our centennial. My big gay Hallmark moment gave me an hour to kill out of the office. Score 1 for ME.

UNFORTUNATELY, some other more "industrious" individuals had taken my place in my office--while also taking my business laptop computer. Score 1 for DICK. If Mr. Miyagi can save Daniel's douche-ass, why couldn't he save my beloved computer?

So yeah, I've been fortunate enough to have never broken a bone. And up until today, I'd never had anything of significance stolen from me--outiside of the dignity that women keep trying to fucking take. But I'll be damned if women don't use nudity to their advantage. So, so crafty.

Anyway, these dills made off with three computers total, thirty bucks in cash (not mine), and a huge pink bag (also not mine in case I needed to say so). Now while the computer being taken sucks, its the info that I lost from that computer that makes me want to fucking take out my revenge on pedestrians. I know what you're thinking and I totally didn't have porn on THAT computer.

Tangential thought: Is it ironic that I was a victim of a crime named for me?

Ahem... So anyway...

The last month and a half's worth of graduate school lectures that I have diligently been taking notes for? Gone. And I totally stayed awake for at least 70% of those lectures. Fucking pricks. I hope they enjoy my Kierkegaard notes. Too bad I don't get to philosophize all over their sorry asses myself. I guess the notes will have to suffice.

So yeah, I've got to write two final papers this week. And guess what they're on? Oh well, it could be worse I suppose. I could have had my porn collection stolen. Just thinking about that is too much to handle. I guess the equivalent would be a mother losing a child. Or something like that.

It is time to smoke now, Kids. Death to the thieves who made me feel violated so hard and not good today. May you find true love only to discover that you have been stricken with permanent impotency. Bitches.

Apology to Saundra Who Only One of You Know So Don't Ask

Saundra, I'm sorry. It's been a bad day all around and you're one of my favorites. I'm sorry I made you doubt that.

Song of the Day: "One By One"

Artist: Wilco

Album: Mermaid Avenue

Lyric of Possible Relevance:

"One by one the teardrops fall as I write to you
One by one my words come falling on the page
One by one my dreams are fading in the twilight
One by one my schemes are failing fast away."