Wednesday's Child OR The Girl Who Sorta Makes My Pants Go Crazy This Week

Naomi's wondering what she can do to help me get over my recent breakup. Naked.


I was sitting at home tonight admiring my greatness when I started to think about how someone like me should never have to settle. And believe me, I've been guilty of settling before. I've settled for bad relationships, Saved By the Bell: The College Years, and Crystal Pepsi, just to name a few. But those days are over for me. I am SO done with Saved By the Bell: The College Years.

One of the worst ways that men settle occurs when we go out in groups. Often, we'll meet a couple of women. For argument's sake, one of the girls is a spectacular, smoking 9 and the other is a very solid, very choice 7.5. I'll bet that more often than not, more guys go for the 7.5. And why? Because we're fucking so used to settling that we self-select ourselves out of going for the hotter girl. Everyone's scared of the super hot girl because we don't feel like we deserve the best. We go for what's attainable as opposed to what's exceptional. (Alright, let's face it, most of you couldn't get even get the 7.5, but we're talking about me, a man who, if I do say so myself, merits every girl higher than an 8. Sometimes I go slumming with 7's, but hell, I'm nothing if not charitable). Now I know it's probably not "politically correct" to rate women this way. But there are two things to keep in mind:

1. Nothing on this blog ever really is very PC.

2. You're reading a weekly feature called "Wednesday's Child OR The Girl Who Sorta Makes My Pants Go Crazy This Week". Perverted hypocrite.

So the kind of place I sincerely believe is worthy of my hard core super-ness would have two best friends who were both hot. Then the whole "settling" dilemma goes out the window. 'Cuz God knows the last thing I want to be doing with women is thinking. Lot of fucking good that strategy's done me. My dream scenario is choosing between Nicole Kidman and this week's W.C.O.G.W.S.M.M.P.G.C.T.W, the incomparable Naomi Watts.

If the issue of the way our society so often settles is of huge philosophical importance, I'd like to note how once again hot women are able to solve so much, so easily. The exhaltation of Naomi is long overdue. She is the hottest woman over the age of thirty-five in my world filled with 10's. Besides being an actress who has starred real hard in two of my favorite creepy movies, Mulholland Drive and The Ring, Naomi first found my pervy heart in the ultra-strange and "better when you're fucked up out of your mind" film Tank Girl. How strange was Tank Girl? Ice-T starred as a furry, rat-looking, rebel renegade. If that isn't art, I don't know what is. That or I settled for a shitty movie. Oh well.

Naomi is highly sexually worthy for so many super fun hard reasons. I'll name a few and you will learn and be in awe of the woman who wants only me (on my blog in my imaginary porn fun world that we've been over so many, many times). First of all, her name is Naomi which, while sexualicious on its own is truly great because of the giant "O" in the middle. The "O" makes me think of fun activities, both audible and physical that Naomi wants so badly to do with someone of my caliber. Secondly, she was born in Britain, raised in Australia, and thus has an accent that fuels the passionate fires of love in the heart of strong men. In my pants. Finally, she is a woman who is somehow getting more attractive to look at with age. That is a rarity when you consider that as women grow older, you rarely want to look at them but you still have to listen to them AND because of her accent I actually won't mind even if I'm processing very little of what she has to say because what does an actress truly have to contribute in a non-sexual way to my complex and varied soul? Or, you know, she's pretty hot.

You are now abundantly saluted, Naomi. I am so glad I didn't settle for you, my British Austrailian sexual love partner of pleasure. In reviewing these words of devotion, I can see that I am truly continuing to grow as a person.

Important Note to the Person (God I hope it's a girl) Who Posted a Highly Sexual and Inappropriate Comment To My Last Entry

Thank you so very, very much. Anonymity is okay if the post is sexual enough.

Song of the Day: "Metal School"
Artist: Spoon
Album: A Series of Sneaks

Lyric of Possible Relevance: "I packed all my things in a nylon bag. I kept my eyes open wide. And got out the day the stock went black. What was so alluring's now faded. And just stylistic and jaded."